sleepless dreamer's dreams

we could only be what people want to see us as...

2011-11-18T07:36:00.000-08:00

you know the saying about "you could be whatever you wanted to be" or "do whatever you wanted to do because life is too short to fill with regrets" ?
i'd say those are the biggest lie one could ever tell because no you can't.
you can not be whatever you wanted to be or do whatever you wanted to do because society won't let you, because your bitch of a mom wouldn't let you and because life is such a pain in the ass it won't let you be whatever you wanted to be or do whatever you wanted to do.

those sayings are just lies that been told from generation to generation, spreading like a disease. a fairy tales that we told our kids or our friends so they dare to dream about something before it shattered when they realize no, they cant be whatever they wanted to be or do whatever they wanted to do.

stop telling me i can be whatever i want because i can't, neither are you. so we need to wake up and face the reality that at the end of the day it's what people saw is what we really become. it's not about what i want or what you want, but what people want to see us as...

if they desire to see us as a jerk than we are a jerk, if they want to see us as a bitch than we are a bitch. we could only be what people want to see us as...

hoping for a moment of clarity

2011-04-12T07:30:00.000-07:00

People hope for a happiness, for shiny beautiful life.
People expect greatness comes to life.
People want a second chance, an experience.
People hope and expect and want and pray for a lot of things.
But me? I hope for a moment.
One single moment that so significant it will change my life. People hope for romance of life. People praying so God have romance with them. People hope for anything. But I don’t. I hope for a moment.

You know those movies? Where a single moment can define everything, can give a clarity, can change everything? Like ‘the saturday detention’ in ‘the breakfast club’ where 5 ultimately different people required to sat together and there’s a moment when they’re talking that change them. No one saying it, but everything’s change. Or a simple train ride can give jesse’s and celine’s life so much meaning in ‘before sunrise’. A moment. Just a moment. That’s what I’m hoping for.

I said before that I am a hopeful person. Not a positive one or an optimist one, but hopeful. So when other people hope for love and happiness and romance and life, I hope for a moment. A moment that I could point out and said “that’s the moment when everything’s change”.
Well, I’m not being hypocrite, or full of shit, I do hope the moment bring something good. I do hope the moment bring clarity. I’m hoping for a defining moment that makes all the cloud disappeared, and make everything’s make a more sense.

So yeah. I’m not longing for any sort kind of romance in life, I’m just hopeful for a moment that can bring me some clarity.

friends appreciation post

2011-04-12T07:28:00.000-07:00

i feel like in need to be grateful because i got the best friend one could ever gotten.

i may not have an army of friends, but the friends i have are the best friends one could ever have.

i may not met a new friends every single day, but the friends i met are the best friends one could ever met.

i may have been left by some people I considered friends, but the friends that stayed are the best friends one could ever asked.

2011-04-12T07:22:00.000-07:00

there are two types of girl. the simple girl who seem to had everything worked out, whose life seem flawless and perfect and nice and easy. and the other one, is the "me" girl. the one who twisted and complicated, and need a lot of works and got caught up in some messy life-tortured scheme. yeah, everyone who read this will instantly saw themselves as the "me" girl while we saw other girl as the simple girl.

that's natural. we always see ourselves as the massive mess, as the wrong one, as the broken one. i don't know why, but maybe it's easier that way. it's easier to think that we are a mess, that we are emotionally broken, it may caused by a little bit envy, and a lot of questioning "why the hell they life seem completely worked out while mine completely messed up?!" or maybe, so we have all the right excuse to be messed up, to be sloppy, to be disappointed and be the disappointment.

as i sat in my bedroom, with my bugs bunny face mug filled with a hot tea, what i saw is that messed-up, broken-inside girl with a twisted and complicated life typing and try to make sense about everything. do i look at my self that way so i have all the excuse when life is getting hard? so i could just said, "hey, that's my life... i'm the messy girl with a messy life" and people would understood my limitation? or maybe i just don't want to face the reality that maybe... i, was the disappointment, because by being the victim it gave us the place where we are the one who's always been disappointed by others.

or maybe... just maybe, i just tryin' to found some inspiration among those pain and misery, because like people said, pain is inspiring. but no matter why, in the end this is how i protect my self, by see my self broken so no one could break me anymore, by see my self as a basket case, a mess, so no one could mess me even more.

so which one are you?

i hope being hopeful will get me somewhere somehow

2011-01-30T13:21:00.000-08:00

i may look as a pessimist, the half-empty glass kind of girl. the kind of person who always look in the bad side and didn't believe of the good ones.
well, maybe i am. but i'm also hopeful.
i don't believe much. as a girl who grown up with happily-ever-after-fairy-tale-stories, i don't really believe in happily ever after. i believed once, but not anymore. i also don't have a big, strong, unbreakable faith that could pull me out of the darkness. i don't have anything absolute to hold on to. i'm basically the life-proof of what people may called 'a mess', but i'm hopeful.
i'm not a happy person, or an optimist kind of girl.
i'm not a positive person, i even think that being positive is way too overrated. but i am a hopeful person, the kind of person who always get a little bit of hope running in her heart, someone who always had a dream of something better will happen.
i am a mess. and i sort of afraid of being happy. and i'm not ok, and actually i don't know when i will be ok again. but i'm hopeful. and i hope being hopeful will get me somewhere somehow.

after three month

2011-01-14T06:47:00.000-08:00

after three months of hiatus or uninspired and lazy days to be precise, i promised my self i need to start writing again within this week, so here i am, trying to write something out of nothing.

i used to have so much to write regarding all the dark and twisty feelings i had, but now, i don't know... i just found myself uninspired. maybe it's right what people said, that pain is inspiring. some of the great story come from sorrow and pain is what makes music industry succeed, i mean, come on, no one writes a song about the easy one.

and then, i realized something. something that i let slipped my mind. something unthinkable simply because i never let myself thought it because i never thought i will ever be.

i realized the fact that i'm no longer trapped in my sadness. i'm no longer wrapped in my imaginary unformed pain that i used to have. i'm no longer that person. maybe it's because i finally set myself free from a certain jackass who not once, not twice, but few too many times broke my heart, or maybe it's just my sane-mind talking while it still sane, or maybe it's the age, well i don't know for sure. what i know is i'm change. and this come as a little shocker for me because i don't believe that people can change. they adapted, but they still the same inside. well, or maybe i am just adapting. adapting to i don't quite know what.

my friend said that maybe i grew up, i get more mature. it comes with the age, he said. maybe. maybe i just outgrew the pain, the darkness. or maybe, just maybe.. maybe i finally let myself to be not sad. i was so afraid of the idea of happiness. the idea of not sad and not feeling the pain because the idea of the happiness falling apart was way worse than anything that i can handle, so i sabotage my own happiness. i let my self thought that i can't be happy, that i will always be sad and miserable and the pain will never be heal. but now, maybe my friend was right. i become more mature. i'm wiser. i see things better and clearly and i just let things the way it supposed to be. i feel sad when i feel sad. i feel miserable when i fell miserable. and i will felt happy when i feel happy.

you are the one who should define who you really are. not them.

2010-09-14T10:15:00.000-07:00

we go round and round, here and there try to make sense out of our existence.

we try to define ourselves. who we really are. is it just some kind a mask that we’ve been always putting on? or is that the real face?

but then we get lonely trying to figure out everything on our own. so we go here and there, make people define who we are. and we started hate being alone, doing things on our own. then we just let people told us who we are and who we supposed to be and how we supposed to be. then we let other people define who we really are.

we let who’s our friends define who we really are. we let who’s we dated define who we really are. we let who’s designer clothes that we wore define who we really are. we let people define who really are because we’re either too lazy to try defining who we really are by ourselves or we’re just too afraid to define who we really are by ourselves.

so we do what people told us to do. we try to exceeds what society expect us to be. we go round and round do what people think we should do.

but in the end, it’s not up to them who you are or who you want to become, because no matter what people said about you, you are alone in this one, you are the one who should define who you really are. not them.

life is indeed a fairy-tale

2010-09-10T10:26:00.000-07:00

from just a little kid, we’ve been taught to believe the “live happily ever after” myth. all books we read, all movies we watched, all the stories that been told tell us about how a person live happily ever after at the very end of the story. And for generation that been raised by dream-sold-out movies like Cinderella, Peter Pan, Aladdin, and so on , so on, we grew up by thinking that life is indeed a fairy tale that everyone will live happily ever after and that dreams do come true like they all said.

then we grew up. with a hopes that our live is also a fairy-tale like the stories said. that we are the princess who gets the prince charming. that we are the person who get what we want in the end of the story. but then life came along. eating all the hopes we have little by little. we start questioning whether fairy-tale life that we used to heard and dreamed about really are true or it’s just a bullshit notion some crazy-romantic-prick created to sell their story. in the mean time, when life seem always get in your way, tricked you, and played you, and gave you every reason not to believe whatever you used to believed, a little piece of you are still the same kid who used to heard all the happy-ending stories, you are still the kid who keep hoping the best of life would come and you can joined all those happy face you remembered from every happy-ending movies you ever watched, you are still the kid who wants to believe even it seem nearly impossible to do.

i am that kid. i started to questioned everything. every beliefs that i ever had. then life keeps getting on my way and it seems easier just to be a non-believer. it’s easier when you’re stop believing that love, happiness are exist cos when you didn’t get one you didn’t end up disappointed cos you think those things are not exist. it’s easier when you don’t believe that all the dreams, and hopes, and prayers will coming true because you won’t feel any disappointment when your hopes, dreams, and prayer didn’t come true. but i still that kid. inside all those non-believe crap i put, i still the same kid who grew up by watching Snow White, Cinderella, Red Riding Hood, Sleeping Beauty. i still the same kid who believe that dreams do come true and life is a fairy tale.

i’m twenty years old. and i spent half of it spoil my self watching and reading and listened all those happy-ending, fairy-tale-life stories. and the other half of it hoping that my life someday will be like those happy-ending, fairy-tale-life stories without realizing that maybe my life is already a fairy-tale, the only problem is even in the fairy tale not everyone can have happy-ending story, live happily ever after. and not everyone can be the princess or the prince for that matter or the lead character if i may say. there’s always two Cinderella’s ugly step sisters, or evil queen who died, and not to forget ugly duckling still ugly until the end of the story comparing to all the swans. so yeah. life is pretty much a fairy tale, just i’m not that lucky to be the main character who get her happy-ending life. or maybe not yet.

not everyone live happily ever after

2010-09-07T07:26:00.000-07:00

Dari kecil kita diajarkan untuk percaya hidup bahagia selamanya.
Live happily ever after.
Itu juga yang membuat semua buku dongeng anak- anak, semua film kartun mengajarkan bahwa seberat apapun hidup, suatu saat nanti kita semua akan hidup bahagia, semua mimpi- mimpi kita akan jadi kenyataan. Seperti Walt Disney ajarkan ke kita semua “dreams do come true…”.

Sebagai generasi yang besar dengan asuhan film- film Disney seperti Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, Aladdin, dan banyak film- film berakhir bahagia lain nya, kita tumbuh sambil terus percaya bahwa semua impian kita akan jadi kenyataan dan kita akan hidup bahagia.

Tapi ternyata hidup nampaknya selalu punya cara untuk menghalangi kita hidup bahagia, dan selalu punya cara untuk kita berhenti percaya bahwa impian- impian kita bisa jadi kenyataan.

Dalam dua puluh tahun gue hidup, setengahnya dihabiskan untuk menonton film- film manja yang membuat gue begitu manja nya percaya kalau suatu saat nanti semua akan hidup bahagia, dan semua impian akan jadi kenyataan, dan setengahnya lagi gue habiskan seolah untuk membuktikan bahwa hidup ini mungkin sama dengan dongeng- dongeng itu.
Tapi ternyata gue melewatkan satu point penting, bahwa tidak semua tokoh dalam dongeng nya hidup bahagia.

2010-08-12T12:13:00.000-07:00

"Mouth: Take a look at yourself in a mirror who do you see looking back?
Haley: Is it the person you want to be?
Dan: Or is there someone else you were meant to be the person you were meant to be but fell short of?
Mia: Is someone telling you you can’t or won’t? Because you can.
Chase: Believe that love is out there.
Nathan: Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do.
Peyton: Sometimes happiness doesn’t come from money or fame or power. Sometimes happiness comes from good friends and family and the quiet nobility of leading a good life.
Julian: Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do.
Brooke: Believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do.
Peyton: So take a look in that mirror and remind yourself to be happy because you deserve to be. Believe that.
Lucas: And believe that dreams come true every day. Because they do." - One Tree Hill season 06 episode 24.

I really do want to believe that dreams, hopes, and prayers do come true every day, or some day for that matter.
I do.
But I don't know why, life seem always gave me reasons not to believe.

how tv series save my life

2010-08-11T02:58:00.000-07:00

you know why i love tv series and Disney cartoon so much?
call me a dork by saying this, but i think those tv series and those disney’s movies i love so much kinda’ save my life.
you know why i love series like ugly betty, one tree hill, being erica and movies like cinderella, up, and all those cartoons?
it’s all because those series and those cartoons are about dreams..
they talk about dreams, about don't let yourself be too afraid to dreaming.
they talk about dream big and try to make it happen and it did happen there.
they talk about how to pursue your happiness. how to achieve the dream you had.
they talk about it’s okay to have dreams, it’s okay to have hopes, it’s okay to actually believes that good things did happens.
and for someone who’s afraid to dreaming, who’s afraid to hoping, who’s afraid to be happy, watching those series and those cartoons just make me want to believe again.
it all gave me hopes.
it all make me want to believe that there’s something great out there, that there’s still faith left to hold on to, that it’s okay to believe that good things aren’t just a myth.
i know it sound so damn geek…
but i really- really wanted to believe again that there is still greatness left out there. and good things does happens…
yeah i did realize that these might sound so freakin' dorky and weird and come of as a really- really unhealthy behaviour, but hey everyone needs a reminder to keep believing in good things when they stop believing, right?

my own leading role

2010-07-31T13:27:00.000-07:00

if i said i don't like my life, it might sound too harsh on my self, and not hundred percent true because, first, in some way my life not seem too bad, and second, i don't think i really do have some 'life'.

... yeah... it does sound pretty sad.

you know how in every movie there's always this person who always be the friend? the supporting character role? the not-so-significant-character-who-yet-needed-to-complete-the-picture?

well, that's me...

i'm the friend. the best friend. the supporting character. or whatever that is, who stand on the sideway.

but even some not-so-significant-character-who-yet-needed-to-complete-the-picture wants to get her own show once in a while.

even if i am no main character material, i do want to be some story heroine. the main character, the leading role.

but hell, who am i kidding?

i know for sure i am no main character material.

i don't have the look, i don't have the body, i don't have the image, i don't have the juice, i don't even have any story for that matter, because right now, i am twenty bloody years old, and i'm practically never done anything in my life. never done anything concrete in my life.

then again, even the ugly duckling wants to be to be the swan, the cinderella's step sisters want to fill in cinderella's shoes, I too always wants to be the lead character of one story because it is tiring always be the supporting character (cos we always support the main character, of course). I want to be me. I want people to see me as me. I want to live my life as me. Because i'm tired of being someone's friend, someone's sibling, someone's kid, someone's best friend. i'm tired of being that girl from the next class, or the person who people can actually turn to when things got ugly or they wants to brag something, or just being "some girl".

i want to have life. an exciting life.

i want to have an adventure. fall in love in big city. going abroad. having a job that i love.

i want to go places. being fearless. and actually had a ball to do anything.

i want to living my own life, not just completing other people's life.

happy awesome day!

2010-06-28T10:21:00.000-07:00

i used to said "someday i'll found my happiness..." or "one day i'll stopped being sad..." or " someday... someday i will finally feel fine again..." to feel a little positive.
i used to said "one day waking up is not hard anymore".
but i never knew that "someday" is today.
actually it was yesterday since today is already 29th and no longer 28th cos it's already 12.21 ...

first of all, happy birthday to me.

and for some one who dislike birthday so much, this year kinda' different cos i actually feel okay with my birthday.
usually i feel anxious when it comes to my birthday. well, i do freaking out little bit about the big two-o, but beside that i feel fine... maybe being twenty is not that bad after all...
and this year, finally, for the first time after 8 years i didn't shed a tears, not even a single tear. Big thing!!
and on top of that i woke up without the pains that usually there.
maybe i outgrew all my problems. maybe the pains just finally healed. or maybe, maybe i just don't give a damn rat's ass about it anymore.

how can i put this?
this birthday just perfect.
great family, fabulous friends, perfect presents and bunch of awesome birthday greetings. and the most important thing was i don't have any reason to feel sad.
after too much years being sad and feel miserable, i think i deserve to feel fine... :)

and i think, i have everyone to thank to...
my family, REJECTS, SG, my perfect stranger, agus, and everyone...
now, let's hope this fine feeling will be nice beginning to one nice life.
see? i even sound positive... *well, i think this one is not because my birthday, but either lack of sleep or too depressed because all the final assignments...*
i think sheila was right... i need to sleep...
so catch you friends, followers, readers, and stalkers later...
happy awesome day guys!!

"When i was sad, i just stop being sad and be AWESOME instead. true story. " - Barney Stinson
How I Met Your Mother

my class is awesome!

2010-06-19T08:43:00.000-07:00

this two days was tiring but also so much fun!
jadi alkisah kelas photography gue mau ngadain kelas soal photo studio jadi disusun lah rencana photoshoot yang pada awalnya mau diadain hari selasa kemaren di studio kampus gue. tapi ternyata ngga jadi dan dipindah hari jadi hari sabtu di studio dosen gue di Tebet. ntah gimana ceritanya, rencana itu pun kembali batal dan diputuskanlah hari sabtu ini di smokar (smoking area) kampus gue.
seru nya, dari model, make-up, sampe konsep itu kita yang bikin. dan karena di kampus, kita harus sedia-in backdrop.
awalnya gue sama sekali ngga tertarik masuk tim inti garagara males. tapi jum'at kemaren waktu denger disuruh bikin backdrop dan diminta bantuan, gue pun menawarkan diri buat bantuin si Amang yang ngurusin backdrop (iya gue tau,gue ganjen banget sok nawarin diri)...
dan ternyata keputusan gue kurang tepat karena akhirnya ke-kepo-an gue mau bantu- bantu ini mengantarkan gue pada ngemper-ngemper di pinggir parkiran kampus sama anak- anak kelas gue ngamplas tripleks sampe tangan panas, kelelahan luar biasa setelah seharian hiperaktif karena kekurangan glukosa, naik motor keliling benhil bareng Amang yang bawa motor udah kayak pembalap demi nyari pylox dan cat, tangan celemotan cat, dan rasa sakit hati yang teramat dalam melihat backdrop awal yang gatot marotot (yang untungnya diselamatkan oleh sang bomber pondok indah yang bagaikan pahlawan berkuda putih, si AE) serta pulang macetmacetan soresore naik trans bsd.

mari gue kisahkan dari awal.
Jum'at, 18 Juni 2010.
dengan males gue make-up class org.comm dan psikologi. pas break, erwina ngasi pengumuman kalo tim inti photography mau minta tolong buat dibantuin nyiapin photo shoot buat hari sabtu. dan karena gue tau harus buat backdrop maka gue pun nawarin diri buat nge-bantuin.
selesai kelas jam 12, gue, vicka, uti, tasya, stacia, sama filda ke kantin dengan tujuan nyari makanan manis gara-gara gue udah super kurang waras karena kekurangan glukosa yang mengakibatkan gue suka 'melejit' tiba-tiba dengan gaya jogetnya mas-mas batavia dance. 'melejit' atau yang harus ditulis 'MELEJJJHHHIIIIEEEETTT' disini berarti tiba-tiba dan tanpa aba-aba berdiri, melebarkan tangan, dan berekspresi bagai mas-mas batavia dancer. ngobrol-ngobrol, ketawa-ketawa sampe merencanakan pencurian iPad dari anak batch 13, akhirnya amang sama bimo yang bertugas beli triplex, kayu, cat dan pylox dateng jam setengah 2-an. dan kita pun mulai kerja ngedasar-in tripleks pake cat putih dan di amplas. sekitar jam 3-an setelah triplex selesai dipasang kayu penyangga dan dikasih cat dasar, permasalahan utama muncul, "mau di gambarin apa tu tripleks?"
gue, uti, vicka, amang dan yang lain mulai lah mikirin konsep ide yang ternyata bikin kita butuh banget warna- warna gonjreng mentereng yang akhirnya menyebabkan gue harus ikut pergi sama amang nyari cat padahal gue harus rapat Mr. and Ms. LSPR. tapi setelah ijin, gue akhirnya pergi (baca : keliling benhil naik motor bareng amang yang bawa motor kayak anak balap) buat nyari pylox.
sampe di kampus, gue langsung cabut buat rapat, pas gue balik ke smokar, itu backdrop isinya cuma gambar- gambar abstrak acak adut ntah apaan yang ngga ada konsepnya sama sekali. gue pun lemes seketika.
di tengah ke-depresi-an gue sama amang memutuskan buat berenti bikin dulu dan berencana kembali mutihin semua nya dari awal. akhirnya kita pun minta gamas buat beli-in cat putih sama thiner.
pas saat itu muncul sang penolong, AE, yang kebetulan temen anak kelas gue yang rencana jadi model. AE ini bomber dan kita pun minta tolong dia. melihat keadaan backdrop kelas gue yang sangat amburadul dia pun cuma bisa suruh kita beli cat putih buat diputihin ulang. pas ini gue udah harus pulang...

sabtu, 19 Juni 2010
Jam 10 pagi gue udah di kampus, dan akhirnya ngobrol- ngobrol dan gegosipan dulu sama anak- anak yang udah sampe karena masih belom tau harus mulai kerjain backdrop yang kedua darimana.
backdrop yang kedua lebih simple, kita cuma mau lapisin tripleks nya pake koran item putih.
tapi ya tetep aja ya bokkkk.. itu tripleks segede gitu sih berasa juga ngerjain nya.
sekitar jam 11 an, gue pun mulai waras dan mulai ngajakin amang ngerjain backdrop.
dari awalnya kerja cuma berdua sama amang, terus sama dessen, sampe rame-rame, sampe tiba-tiba gue sendirian, sampe rame lagi, sampe sepi, sampe rame lagi, akhirnya kelar juga tuh backdrop.

padahal sih simple banget cuma nempelin koran di tripleks, tapi ternyata sekitar jam 2-an lewat baru bener-bener selesai setelah 2 kali nge-jeblak ketiup angin yang bikin gue lumayan miris, makan bakso, dan gue hampir nge-jeledak dari atas drum gara- gara naik buat ngebenerin bagian atas backdrop.
dan saya sungguh terimakasih pada dessen, amang, gerry, leo, tasya, filda, marcia, uti, dan ntah siapa lagi yang sudah sangat membatu penempelan si koran.

jam 3 lewat photo shoot nya mulai. ah gue sih cuma nyampah- nyampah doang.
keburu cape setelah naek- naek, jongkok-jongkok bikin backdrop. but it was fun!
jadi yasudahlah, saya agak rela sedikit hari sabtu ini masuk...
dan mungkin semua juga gara-gara anak-anak kelas gue yang emang ajaib dan gendeng semua isinya sampe semua bisa dijadiin becandaan dan ngapain aja jadi seru- seru aja...
so i think,
Advertising 12-1B is kinda' AWESOME *barney stinson tone*...

oya, i will post more picture later as soon as i can...

mas putri duyung-model iklan sabun-dan presenter gosip

2010-06-12T04:30:00.000-07:00

seperti biasa, gue terlalu gatel untuk ngga ikutan ngomongin kasus si abang penyanyi terkenal kita yang baru-baru ini obsesi bintang bokep.
mungkin udah basi banget kali ya? tapi sungguh gue terlalu sibuk belakangan ini untuk buka blog *ini beneran, gue ngga bohong. sungguh*.

oke, bagi yang belom tau ceritanya (ih demi apapun juga ya lo ga gaul abis kalo ngga tau), ceritanya itu si akang yang bernama sama seperti putri duyung dan seorang vokalis band yang namanya sama kayak judul film disney (meski gue merasa band mereka lebih cocok bernama little mermaid since nama vokalisnya si putri duyung berambut merah itu) ini nampaknya obsesi banget jadi bintang bokep makanya dia seolah suka banget rekam- rekam dirinya yang sedang having sex. celaka oh celaka, petaka tak dapat ter elakan, laptop si akang yang nyimpen porofolio dunia per-artis-an bokep nya ini hilang, alhasil beberapa hari yang lalu dunia per-internet-an di hebohkan dengan munculnya video si akang ini lagi having sex sama pacarnya yang juga artis si mbakmbak yang jadi model iklan sabun itu. sungguh sangat menghebohkan meski isi video nya ngga seheboh orang- orang yang nonton karena kualitas gambarnya ya tuhan, jelek bener...

gue yang bangun-bangun baca twitter sempet ngga paham ada apaan dengan si masmas bernama bagai putriduyung ini dengan pacarnya si mbakmbak bintang iklan sabun.. eh baca dibaca, usut di usut ternyata terlah beredar video porno dengan mereka sebagai bintang nya. dengan sangat penasaran, sampe di kampus teryata temen-temen sekelas gue udah asik dan heboh nonton rame- rame *iya, kalian ngga salah baca, temen-temen gue 1 KELAS semuanya ikutan nonton udah kayak nonton layar tancep*.
dan komentar pertama gue setelah nonton video itu adalah : "well, at least you can fully shave your lady business before you recorded your sexual activity darling..."
no, seriously it is kinda disturbing.

eh belom reda nih berita heboh, tibatiba muncul lagi another video tapi kali ini cewenya udah bukan si mbakmbak model iklan sabun, tapi mbakmbak si pembawa acara gosip. setelah nonton, cuma 1 hal yang ada di kepala gue, "bless his pen*s for having so much vajayjay"
no, seriously, dari gossip yang beredar, video yang ada sebenernya total berjumlah 23 (ada juga yang bilang 32) yang artinya that lucky pen*s had have few too many vajayjay...

dan seperti yang sudah bisa diduga, semua orang (when i said semua orang, i mean SEMUA ORANG) sibuk ngomongin soal ini, dan alhasil kalimat 'ariel peterporn' pun jadi trending topic di twitter yang sebenernya sangat disayangkan kenapa malah gosip gapenting yang cuma jelekjelekin nama orang yang jadi trending topic dan bukannya #tolakdanaaspirasi yang jelas-jelas esensial yang jadi trending topic. but hell, who am i to judge all those people who busy gossiping about ariel since i do to because it is hard not to talk about this crazy event and it's even harder not to have comment about it...

but again, kalo menurut gue pribadi sih ya, it's not about the sex. ini bukan masalah si abang bernama bagai putri duyung menjajal shotgun nya kemana-mana, cos he can have sex with whoever he want even miss teen usa for all i care, so it's not about the sex, nor the partner switching or the fact he surely banged a LOT of hot chicks, ini bukan masalah sex nya. No, because what the hell, everyone have had sex or will have sex eventually, right? so what's the biggie about sex? So, no... it is not about the sex, tapi ini masalah YA TUHAN, ISENG BANGET SIH PAKE DIREKAM?
no, seriously, do you REALLY-REALLY need to tape it down everytime you shagged someone?
beneran deh, menurut gue dia ini iseng banget ngerekam- rekam dan moral cerita yang gue dapat setelah menonton video dia yang sama si mbak-mbak model iklan sabun adalah : si mas ini sungguh multi-tasking. kenapa gitu? karena meski lagi "sibuk" dia tetep konsen megangin kamera dan ngambil angle-angle mantap demi kejelasan adegan... sungguh luar biasa...

lalu, ditengah kericuhan dan kehebohan ini, muncul lah seorang dumbass yang ngakunya pengacara tapi lebih mirip tukang potong daging yang dengan gaul nya berkomentar kalau si abang dan si eneng yang ada di video ini harus ditindak pidana. dan bener aja lohhhh, kepolisian nampaknya menanggapi dan berniat menindak pidana si mas dan si mbak yang nasipnya sebenernya udah kasian banget ini.
buset deh, ini si pengacara slash tukang daging ini otaknya ngga pernah pulang kali ya? kemana-mana juga si abang putri duyung ini lah yang mustinya nuntut orang yang nyebarin, dan bukannya dituntut.
dan gue cuma mau bilang sama si pengacara tukang daging ini, "hey you f*rh*t, YOU CAN FUCK YOURSELF and stop mind other people business or you'll end up pathetically like roy sukro!" seriously, ngesok ngurusin orang bikin video untuk kepentingan pribadi padahal sendirinya sibuk kawin siri ke kanan ke kiri! do i have to buy you a mirror, you one hypocrite? and for all infotainment, just stop your ridiculous narration! that's just simply annoying, apalagi kalo yang bawain acara nya sok-sok misterius kayak lagi bawain acara dunia lain. mungkin mereka lebih cocok bawain acara infotainment alam maut... kenapa annoying? karena satu, gue nonton infotainment ngga mau ditakut-takutin sama muka presenternya yang belo bagai nahan boker sebulan atau dengan kalimat "akankah mereka dapat melewati semua ini?" yang nada nya sama kayak "akankah mereka lolos dari kandang singa ini?"
berasa paling bener dan membuat narasi- narasi menjebak while kita semua tau, infotainment are the worst!

dan please buat orang- orang diluar sana yang mendadak sok beragama dan sok bermoral sampe demo segala minta 3 orang terkait ini ditindak pidana, fuck you!
no, seriously... you guys act like you have no sin. sibuk demo ngurusin orang bikin sex tape sampe demo segala kayak orang kampung, berasa kayak ngga pernah nonton bokep aja lo semua!
and if, 3 orang ini atau siapapun yang punya kasus serupa bener- bener ditindak pidana, i should say that Indonesia is a freakin ridiculous! indonesia just hit it's bottom line! it is the new low and the new crazy memenjarakan orang karena having sex. dude, come on!
daripada sibuk ngurusin ini, mending lu urusin tuh pelecehan seksual di busway, atau pemerkosaan, atau apalah yang jelas lebih esensial ketimbang 2 (atau dikasus ini 3) orang yang sama-sama mau having sex.
well, God once said, "let him who is without sin cast the first stone..." (John 8:7) and i shall say it one more time, "let him/her who is without sex cast the first to judge..."

lastly,
gue nulis posting ini cuma iseng- iseng aja. semoga si mas bernama sama dengan putri duyung, mbak model iklan sabun, dan si mbak pembawa acara infotainment ini bisa melewati ini semua karena semua orang khilaf, semua orang juga bisa se-iseng ariel rekam- rekam, tapi sayangnya mereka aja yang sial.

MoZella - Hurry Up & Choose

2010-06-04T08:45:00.000-07:00

We keep playing this game
where you catch my eye
and i look away
things don't seem to change
so i just fantasize
and make you mine
i could pass the time
but i don't have the mind
to let it go
and never know
so please just save me

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

sure they're other guys
and they treat me fine
but that's just not my style
if things were good at home
you wouldn't come to me
with those loving eyes
i could put in the time
to try and make you mine
but until you know what way to go
then i'll be waiting

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

i pretend that things are fine
you just never leave my mind
i don't know what's wrong with me
i guess i just want to believe
that i mean more to you
and that you mean what you say
and that we will be together one day

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

i don't want to tear you two apart
and i don't want to trample on her heart
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

i don't want to tear you two apart
(but i'm gonna, if i hafta)
and i don't want to trample on her heart
(she's a good girl and she loves ya)
even if it takes awhile
i will make that time for you
but could you hurry up and choose

MoZella - Let's Stop Calling It Love

2010-06-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

this song's pretty much picture my current condition...

we are exactly what we are
let's disregard the talk of we're at and where we're going
Why pick it all apart
Its Just My heart
its just my heart

i started out with so much hope
but now its turned into a joke
I'll play along expect no promise
but while were at it let's be honest

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
You're better off if i surrender
i give in you win whatever

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
Let it go you'll feel much better
i give in you win whatever

you know, you put on quite a show
you had me so
i can't believe i bought it
it took a minute but i caught it now
i guess i had a choice
boys will be boys, and this girl's annoyed

i started out with so much hope
but now its turned into a joke
I'll play along expect no promise
but while were at it let's be honest

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
You're better off if i surrender
i give in you win whatever

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
Let it go you'll feel much better
i give in you win whatever

I thought i could handle
a nice romantic scandal
but now i know i was fooling myself
i've seen how this story ends
we do not call ourselfs friends
i'd rather not pretend and use that word again

"talking"
(so he says, 'uh can i call you back later' so i said uh ok, 'alright later' and that was it)

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
You're better off if i surrender
i give in you win whatever

let's stop calling it love
let's stop calling it love
Let it go you'll feel much better
i give in you win you win you win

(making noises)

lets stop calling it love
lets stop calling it love
i give in you win whatever

my wish - list

2010-05-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

hey June, WELCOME! don't be such a bitch okay?

besok udah 1 Juni, 28 hari sebelum gue secara resmi berhenti jadi teenager.

28 hari sebelum gue umur 20 tahun dan menjadi tua.

OH SHIT!

*mendadak panik*

ngebayangin sebentar lagi (28 hari lagi) gue akan berhanti jadi remaja bikin gue agak panik. okay, bukan agak panik, tapi sangat panik.

dan bagi seseorang yang sangat ngga suka ulang taon, GUE SEMAKIN NGGA SUKA ULANG TAON GUE TAON INIII!!!

*stres*

well, gue ngga mau ulang taun tapi mau kado nya aja boleh ngga sih?!

and here's my wish-list for this year :

1. nail polish
(all color available)

2. iPod dengan memory besar
(baca : 16 GB or more) (and, ehm.... iTouch also would be nice :) )

3. new blackberry

4. semua handsketches gue dibikin jadi kaos
5. Sony PRS-505 e-Book reader

6. DVD full season Ally McBeal

7. voucher belanja buku sampe mencret

8. MONEY $_$
(dikasih modah untuk memulai bisnis...)

9. A HUGE LUCK

10. A VERY HAPPY YUPPY BIRTHDAY!!

tricky happiness

2010-05-19T18:45:00.000-07:00

Y' know, it is funny how sometimes life can play it tricks to us.
How life made happiness become so tricky.
It made us believe at first, made us believed that happiness was something that possible, something that can be achieved. Yeah, life made us believed that happiness was existing, that we will be able to actually be happy eventually.
But here comes the tricky part, life will always stands in our way to be happy. Life would always give us burden.
Well, like everyone said, life's sucks. And I think "suck" was the only most polite way to describe life, cos life is hard, it's brutally vindictive, it's bitchin' the hell out of every single one of us.
Well, life and happiness is never come in the same term. It's almost like happiness in life is impossible.
And for someone who's been disappoints in life few too many times than what they can handle, life ain't just screwing them, life actually broke them.
And somewhere along the way, we stop believe that happiness is possible. We stop believe that happiness is exist.
And it just made us so much broke inside. We didn't believe anything anymore. Faith, hopes, happiness seems so far away, it become something that we can only dream. A dream that dreamers can only be dreamt.
And finally, we stopped trying to be happy.
We stopped trying to found happiness.
We gave up defining happiness.
We gave up being happy.
Because happiness became frightening so we're running scared when we're about to feel a little bit happiness.
And it's simply because we afraid to feel disappoint anymore. We afraid to be vulnerable anymore when we let our self believe that happiness is possible but in the same time, life bitch us out and make us realize that happiness is not exist just in time we start believe again.

So yeah, it is funny how life can be so tricky. It tricked us to believe before actually drop the bomb to screw us..
Few nights ago, I said to my friend that I thought that I was never going to be happy. And I'm afraid so I was true cos in this moment, happiness seem ain't real for me. And I don't know whether I had courage left to try found happiness anymore.
I just gave up being happy...

Well...well... So much for come back posting from a very long time, eh??
So sorry guys for the absence... :)

handsketches #6

2010-05-06T06:37:00.000-07:00

another hand-sketches i made...
few of them from my high-school time, i just re-coloured them..

happy belated birthday

2010-05-01T01:44:00.000-07:00

dear bloggie,
i'm so sorry for missing out your 2nd birthday...
seriously, so sorry deary...
but, it's better late than nothing at all right?
so, happy belated birthday my bloggie...
damn you're getting old pal!

who you are is who you want to be

2010-04-30T11:03:00.001-07:00

it's almost a month since i wrote.
when i said "wrote", i mean "wrote". writing "something" that actually had meaning, at least for me.
first of all, allow me to apologizing for that absence, i can surely made up some lame-ass excuses like i was abducted by an alien or something, but I'M PRETTY SURE that all of you a little smarter not to believe what i'm saying because the truth is, ideas just hate me lately and yes i was busy especially last week with that Les Miserables thing, so once again i'm sorry.

there is no logical explanation why my mind goes blank everytime i saw a blank blogspot page, i just had nothing to wrote, nothing to tell, for someone who loves writing so much, i could just said that i'm pretty much screwed.
maybe the only reason is i'm being weird these couple months and i don't have a slight idea why am i so weird lately.
i was changed. i am change.
maybe this had to do with every single obstacle i found these few past years.
i adapted, and i changed. somewhere along the way, i became this person i don't know who.
i became this awful version of my self.
and the truth is, i'm scared cos i don't like who i become.
And on top of that, I feel lost.
I feel like losing my path, my way.
And this is not good..

These couple months I've been like walking zombie.
I woke up every morning with a huge annoying pain in my mind that keep telling me "everything is wrong". And I just can't run away. I can't heal it no matter what I try.
So I let my mind and my heart sleep it off so it won't remind me how screwed things were, and I became this heartless crazy zombie whose walking down tha exact same road every single bloody day and still feel lost everytime.
I feel lost.
I feel like I don't know where I supposed to head on, where am I supposed to lead my life to.
And everything seems not right anymore.
I start doubting about every single thing.
And the things that used to be important to me, it doesn't matter anymore. There is nothing matter anymore.

I've been lost for a months.
But then again, here's some funny things on life.
We always feel lost.
We always feel that we need to find the path even if we're already in the path.
People always feel lost, at least once in our life.
But the truth is, we're not lost. Not lost at all.. We're just need to be found, and to be touched, and to be reminded who we were and who we are.
Because who we are is never lost, we just forget who we really are.
Just like me.
I was forget who I was, who I am..
But today, I was being reminded by someone that who I am is who I want to be.

and somehow i feel everything would be just fine.

life may full of obstacle, may stand in our way.

but life doesn't stand a chance if you knew who you were, who you are.

because it's not about finding your self that had been lost,

but it's about re-invented yourself that may been forgotten...

so i think all we need in life is just a little reminder...

Les Miserables Behind The Scene

2010-04-28T04:56:00.000-07:00

these past few days were about

bruises that won't be easily disappeared, pain that won't be easily healed, and memories that never be forgotten...

kayak taon lalu, taon ini lagi- lagi gue ikut LSPR Teatro. awalnya sih tetep jadi creative team, tapi karena si ibu rori meminta bantuan gue untuk jadi anak cabutan nya stage crew, maka nyasar lah gue di geng pegang tangan yang bener- bener ngga paham lagi lah gue kalimat apa yg tepat buat menggambarkan ke gila an mereka.

awalnya sih gue tetep creative team dan hanya menghasilkan ID card,

tiba- tiba hari senen, which is 3 hari sebelum hari pementasan gue di daulat buat menjadi stage crew.
YAK, sodara sodari ku sekalian, gue baru tau gue harus ngangkat apa ke mana di mana itu pas H-3 mari saya tegaskan lagi, H mines 3 sodara sodariku, yang mana gue sama sekali ngga pernah nonton latihan dan sama sekali ngga punya pengalaman MELIHAT DALAM GELAP!
sumpah, gue udah bener- bener ngga paham deh tuh pas run through pertama ngaco nya abis-abisan dan jelas aja gue berasa badan gue abis banget men padahal baru sehari, secara gue seumur- umur ga pernah banget angkat2 barang macem2.
pulang juga udah malem, 1 hari 2 kali run through, dari angkat krat kayu, kursi sampe yg aneh2...
latihan hari kedua yang adalah H-2, semakin mau mati karena yang diangkat ternyata SEMAKIN BANYAK! dan eng ing eng, SEMAKIN BERAT!
dan gue pun mendapatkan luka- luka pertama gue kayak kebaret, kejedot dan biru, sampe kesusupan kayu.

selama seminggu gue jadi kuli panggul, tukang angkat properti ato bahasa kerennya stage crew, yang gue dapet adalah kurang lebih 30 lebam,biru,memar,luka,baret,dan goresan di sekitar kaki dan tangan, ditambah badan yang sakit nya udah ngga paham lagi dah...
dan kalo ada yang nanya kenapa bisa sampe parah gtu, jawaban nya adalah KARENA YANG DIANGKAT BERAT NYA BIADAB apalagi pas H-1 kita nyobain backdrop sialan yang beratnya ngga masuk akal (yang untungnya ngga jadi dipake).
dan akan gue list beberapa kecelakaan fatal yang gue alami selama 7 hari :

kesusupan kayu dari backdrop, meja cafe, dan krat kayu
biru, bengkak plus luka di kaki kanan akibat ketololan gue yang kesandung di backstage dan sukses nabrak pemberat gate yang terbuat dari batu solid yang beratnya (sumpah gue ngga lebay) selalu bikin gue pengen berak pas ngangkat
lebam dan biru di kaki kiri gara- gara pas blackout ketabrak ntah siapa yang membuat gue kesandung dan kejedot meja yang dilanjutkan dengan bibir gue kepentok krat kayu pas buru2 mau buka iketan curtain
biru di paha yang sampe detik ini gue ga tau asalnya dari mana..
kelingking kanan yang bengkak gara2 keinjek beberapa stage crew
keligking kiri yang kuku nya ilang sebelah karena ketimpa meja cafe dan masih juga diinjek para cast yang dengan biadabnya pake sepatu boot
jempol kaki kanan yang ketusuk paku diatas stage
dan yang paling bombastis adalah tumit kaki kanan gue sukses robek karena kecantol paku yang asik asikan nongol di stage..

(dan moral story yang gue dapat adalah, kalo cast yang cedera, SEANTERO AUDITORIUM heboh bener, giliran anak stage crew yang brangsakan, malah DIKETAWAIN! sungguh kesenjangan sosial)

jadi alkisah, produksi ke-10 teatro kali ini judulnya Les Miserables, cerita nya berkisar di jaman revolusi prancis gitu lah gue juga kurang paham lantaran gue cuma bisa nonton pertunjukannya kayak wayang soalnya cuma bisa nonton lewat kaen item, (kalo hoki baru bisa ngintip lewat sela- sela, sungguh mengenaskan...) punya lagu yang lumayan asoy geboy.
dan mungkin juga karena tiap hari denger, lama-lama cuci otak lah tu lagu. dan saking di backstage itu ngga ada hiburan nya sama sekali, kami anak- anak wing kiri pun cuma bisa nyanyi- nyanyi heboh tanpa suara sambil gegaya-an ato jejogedan super camen mau lagu nya emang up beat ataupun mellow, dan sungguh sangat celaka, pas lagi runthrough ke sekian, pas lagu master of the house atau lovely ladies (gue lupa), gue lagi joget maha camen, eh ternyata LAGI DIREKAM AJA DONG SAMA ANAK LSPR TV!
iyes banget dah malu nya juara dunia akherat! dan lo tau apa yang dilakukan anak- anak wing gue? bukannya prihatin gitu ya sama masa depan gue, mereka sukses KETAWA'IN GUE TANPA SUARA SAMPE NYARIS GEGULINGAN!
sungguh mereka kawan- kawan yang solidaritas nya tinggi abis! *geleng geleng kepala sambil urut jidat*

dan ngga cuma itu sodara- sodari ku sekalian, pas lagi persiapan hari pertama, di stage lagi banyak banget kaen hitam bertebaran, dan gue yang lagi sok cihuy nya lari- lari pun sukses keserimpet dan NGEJELEDAK diatas stage ,
iya sini saya ulangin lagi,
SAYA SUKSES KESERIMPET KAIN HITAM DAN JATUH NGEJELEDAK PANTAT DULUAN DI ATAS STAGE SEMENTARA DI STAGE LAGI RAME ANAK STAGE CREW DAN DI CONTROL ROOM UDAH PADA STANDBY!
iya.. saya NGEJELEDAK!
kalian mau tau rasanya?
sakitnya JUARA DEMI LANGIT DAN BUMI,
dan malu nya JUARA DUNIA AKHERAT!
dan silahkan bayangkan saja reaksi teman- teman jahanam saya itu..
gue sampe diketawa'in abis-abisan sama si piki.. wadefakkkkk!!!!!!!

tapi, terlepas dari sekian banyak kesialan dan keapesan yang gue alami selama hampir seminggu, terlepas dari kurang lebih 30 luka- luka yang bersemayam di badan gue, gue juga dapet kenangan yang udah ngga paham lagi lah gue kadar gokilnya.
gimana kita nginep rame- rame kerjaannya cuma gosip sama ngerusuh aja sampe jam 3 pagi bareng vicka, destya, anggia.
terus dengan taraf tengil yang luar biasa, gue, adit dan ririn sok keluar apartemen buat cari makan jam 2 pagi, dan baru tidur jam 4 pagi sementara besoknya msti ngumpul jam setengah 10 pagi. dan kalo yang diobrolin penting sih gue ngga masalah, nah ini? topik perbincangan maha random dari enaknya nasi goreng yang kita makan, gue yang akhirnya bisa boker setelah 3 hari ngga boker, ukuran telunjuk kaki nya ririn, pantat nya adit, sampe akhirnya terjadi pertumpahan darah atas persengketaan wilayah kekuasaan alias tempat tidur yang tetep loh akhirnya ngga memuaskan pihak manapun.
dan alhasil gue, ririn, dan adit turun jam setengah 10 ke kampus dengan tampang kayak zombie.
ngantuk tingkat akut, muka lelah, rambut awut-awutan diiket asal-asalan sementara vicka, anggia, dan destya muka nya seger banget cukup tidur...

setelah 3 hari ngga teatro, kangen nya langsung berasa.
dari kangen denger kak ntep ngomong "ntep clear", ato dia heboh sendiri rempong ngoceh "bocor..bocor...",
kangen banget nyanyi " who am i? TWO FOUR SIX O ONEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" tanpa suara sambil nungguin black out sama anak- anak yang lain.
kangen nge-jaga-in kursi rapuh yang kalau hancur sebelum waktu nya, akan menghancurkan hidup gue karena gue pasti dimaki sama kak ntep dan kak ira padahal pas show, kursi rapuh terkutuk itu memang diciptakan untuk DIHANCURKAN.
sungguh terimakasih *sampe sekarang masih ngiri banget sama kak anes dan eja yang asik-asikan ngancurin kursi rapuh gue padahal di backstage gue jaga sepenuh hati jiwa raga* *oke barusan gue lebay. maaf*
tapi mungkin yang bakal paling dikangenin adalah pas mau break act 1 ke act 2, pas lagu "one day more", kita semua bener- bener ikutan nyanyi dan begitu blackout lompat- lompat sendiri di backstage gara- gara act 1 nya udah selesai artinya pekerjaan berat sudah selesai.
parah, banyak banget yang dikangenin...
gue bahkan kangen makan OCEAN di storage pas barricade!
kangen bolak balik nyariin si Gavrouche (ebi), eponine, Valjean, dan Javert yang ngga tau kenapa kok perasaan susaaaaaaahhh banget buat dicariin buat nyobain lompatin barricade.
dan yang paling poll gue akan sangat kangen gegila-an bareng anak- anak stage crew yang gue udah bener- bener ngga paham lagi deh... (salam YU LIP MAI HOS wahai kawan- kawan se-geng pegang tangan!)

dan yang paling juara adalah,
setelah semiggu dituntut bekerja dalam gelap, gue yang tadinya rabun gelap, jadi terbiasa liat dalam gelap, dan karena kerjaannya cuma nongkrong gelap- gelap an, begitu sekali kena lampu... begh... gue udah bener- bener ngga paham deh ini taraf liar nya anak- anak stage crew.
dari yang ketawa- ketawa sampe ngedeprok dan ngesot- ngesot di lantai saking lemes nya padahal ngga ada yang lucu, sampe gegulingan di backstage saking kurang nya hiburan.
jadi bagi kalian, siapa saja yang kebetulan pernah melihat tingkah anak- anak stage crew yang kurang behave, tolong, salahkan lampu! karena begitu ketemu terang, kami jadi hyperactive...
hahahahahaa...

and i know this post going to be too long, but please maafkan saya karena there's too much crazy moments to be remembered...
dan mungkin dari semua nya, setengah nya adalah ketololan yang gue lakukan.
selain jejogetan maha camen yang menghasilkan sukses di rekam oleh anak lsprtv, ngejeledak dengan sukses diatas stage, dan bibir gue kepentok krat kayu, gue juga melakukan ketololan seperti NGEDEPROK di lift kampus tanpa perduli tatapan "ini anak freak banget sih" dari orang- orang gara- gara ngga mampu berdiri habis nge-gotong sekantong penuh kain entah berapa meter dari apartemen ke kampus, dan yes, tepat sekali, gue sukses diketawain sama para cast yang lagi asik makan begitu pintu lift terbuka di lantai 3 yang memperlihatkan pemandangan gue selonjoran di lantai lift sambil nendang- nendang kantong segede umat supaya keluar dari lift dengan susah payah. TOTAL deh pokoknya.

ah kalo mau dilanjutin posting kali ini ngga akan ada abisnya...
jadi sudahlah, lain waktu kita sambung lagi...
mungkin nanti setelah after party, gue akan post lagi hal- hal behind the scene of Les Miserables behind the scene's.

oh iya ini beberapa foto- foto kemaren...

diatas ini foto bersama ebi, vicka, dan ca'u..

dan dibawah ini beberapa kondisi hancur setelah curtain call atau bowing..

dan ya Tuhan, setelah nge-fans semenjak taon lalu dia jadi Tony di West Side Story taon lalu,
akhirnya taon ini gue berhasil foto bareng, di peluk dan dicium sama GLENO!
*lemes pas inget dicium sama gleno*

and another update :
gue teringat satu hal yang ngga akan pernah gue lupakan.
alkisah di stage lagi hectic banget mau persiapan buat GR.
gue lagi sibuk nge-getok-in paku-paku jahanam di stage pake sepatu gue sampe tuh si sepatu bocel- bocel,
dan yang lain sibuk masing- masing, sedangkan si vicka sapta, sara rozelina dan kak ntep sibuk nempelin lakban di kain item supaya ngga "bocor", tiba- tiba terjadi perbincangan paling jahanam...

vicka : *sambil megangin lakban* "ini motongnya musti pake benda tajam nih.." *berjalan ke arah gue, bawa lakban* "rei, mulut lo dong...!" *nyodorin lakban*
gue : *terpana atas ke brengsek an temen sendiri* "BRENGSEK.... "

Quotes #9

2010-03-31T07:18:00.000-07:00

god, i love this quote...

"
Hell...
You can drive at 16, go to war at 18.
You can drink at 21 and retire at 65.
So how old do u have to be before your love is real?
"

this quote is from One Tree Hill TV series season 2 episode 2 where James, Haley's father give 'Naley' a wedding speech at party that Lucas threw for them...

love yourself more, and another less

2010-03-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

When we got heartache, we thought we were broken already.
We became bitter and bitter every day.
We over think it, we got desperate, hell a lot worse mentally break down.
We felt that our world has vanished away, our place to stand has ripped away from under our feet.
We thought that we're done, finish, nothing else matter.

Sounds lame, eh?
Well yeah, it is pretty lame.
But if your heart ever got broken, go see yourself at the mirror.
That sort of lame-ass things are what we used to do when we're broken heart.
I think what people said about desperation was right. People can do crazy thing when they're desperate.
And if anyone ever asked me why we (me and whoever you are, you know who you are) acted so lame, I had to say it's all because we love other people more and love our self less.
We just give the whole us to someone else, so when they're gone, there is nothing left to ourself.
Cos a lot of people tend to make whoever jackasses-so-called-bf/gf/-or-fake-best friends become their whole world. We give so much of ourself to them without left anything to ourself, so when one of them screw us over, we THOUGHT we're done.
But, hell, we know it ain' true. You know it, I know it.
We just need to feel worthy again. We just need to be able to feel our self again.
And I think the best way to feel better when you're not so good after all is by loving yourself more and love anyone else less.

So please, Love your self more than anyone else, okay?
Cos if one day you got caught in some bad relationship where you just ended being hurt so freakin' bad, you would remember how much you love yourself and no one is worth hurting you that bad.
Because I do believe that there is no point staying in some unhealthy relationship, trying to fought for something yourself wasn't sure that you could win the war or you couldn't, just for the sake of lame ass jack hole who you thinks own your heart.
Well of course you could stayed, hurt each other some more, beating yourself up till you can't even barely stand for all I care, but once again, please do love yourself first before you ever falling in love with any one else so you could feel worthy and when whoever you'd fall in love with having your heart crushed just remember that you are worthy.
You are worth more than just some heartache from some skanky asshole.
And for what its worth, I just wanna assure you that one day whoever skanky bitch or ugly-ass bastard that happen to hurt you will paying 'their bills' anyway.
So don't worry to free yourself from some painful relationship, cos frankly speaking there's still a lot of jerks awaits to screw you over and to be screwed by you..
And there's absolutely no good by feeling desperate and all not-good-enough-to-be-happy or feeling down cos your heart were smashed and crushed, because there's still a lot of things, a lot of pretty good things could've happen in your life, and it's a damn shame to let those things slipping away just because an ass feeling of a heartache..

jackass

2010-03-27T21:49:00.000-07:00

We (speaking as a girl to all girls) happen to be more attracted to bad boys.
More rebel they look, more hot they became.
More bad they act, more cool they seem.
Yeah, we (girls) happens to love jerks. Jack asses..
We happens to fell in love with some jack ass who we knew exactly from the very beginning he was an asshole who had a huge potential to tore and broke our heart.
Yes. We knew it, but we chose to deny it, and yet still impulsively went out with them.
It's not a bad thing tho'.. Cos the hard life gets you, the more clever you become to get over it.
and yeah we all knew how the story goes.
It's a classic..
Girl falls in love with a boy who happens to be such a jerk,
and bam!
There you go, boy walks away and leave the girl with a heartache, most of it a big fat giant hole in her heart.
And we, cos we sometimes are a vulnerable human being, tend to keep hangin' on thoughts that he will regret every bad things they've done to us and one day would run come crawling back to us.
Well, let me tell you guys something.
That won't be happening!
Well, in some sort of special case, maybe it did happened.
But 8 from 10 story prove it won't happened.
Why it won't be happening? Cos they were jerks.
Guys are jerks. And jerks don't do nice.
So they will never regret whatever bad things they've done, even so they most likely didn't even noticed that they hurt us.
So if you one from that bunch sad-self pittying-broken girls who happens still hangin' on some jerks, let me give you some advise, "go get a life, you sad pathetic lame girls!".

First,
you are definitely wasting your time.. And even though you still wanna wait, at least don't stopped your world, don't live your life with sad looking eyes and tons of regrets and "what could've been sentence" hangin' first thing in your freakin' mind..
At least go live a life while you're waiting.
If he's destined to be with you he'll come around..

Second,
don't you ever thinking that there is no one else out there for you cos they were..
Don't you ever afraid of losing one jerk and put love as an excuse,
cos they're so much fish in the sea and frankly speaking there's still so much other jack asses waiting to hurt you.
So don't worry, you'll get yourself another jerk eventually.

and third,
have peace with yourself.
i know that break-ups were hard, tough.
goodbyes are sad.
but let us think that goodbyes are new beginning.
A chance to start something new..
and just for the love of God, please stop feel sorry for your self.
stand up, go put some action,
be the best of you
and find happier life...!

Quotes #8

2010-03-22T10:09:00.000-07:00

" I loved you,
but I love my self more.
So... Bye!"

-rei-

#whenifirstmet

2010-03-16T11:04:00.000-07:00

Di twitter lagi seru banget topic soal #whenifirstmet. It's about when did you first met someone or something and how d'you think of him/her/it..
And it got me thinking how and when I first met my friends.

1. @echiechiechie
I believe that the first time I met her was back when I still in first grade of elementary school, it's about 14 bloody years ago. Damn, boy! She was a bitch! Well, she still a bitch tho', but now I love her bitchiness.. Back then she was in the same clique with this cruel, bitchy, mean girl, april (may God bless her soul and bless whoever stays being her friend because, damn, I'm sure that's hard!), the bitchiest 6 years old girl I've ever seen.
Tapi sayangnya, gue ga pernah inget kenapa gue bisa deket sama dia sih.. But I'm glad we're friends till now.

2. @swastikaaa
Dari SD gue udah satu sekolah sama dia, tapi kita beda kelas sampe kelas 6 kita sama- sama ikut TLM nari *oh I know what you thinking, me? Dancing?*. Terus pas kelas 1 SMP gue sekelas sama dia. Under a lot circumstances, we become close.
Gue inget banget pertama kali gue pikir dia ini anaknya normal, eh ternyata... Dia anak paling ngga normal yang pernah jadi temen gue. Boy, she's weird!
Dia satu-satu nya temen gue yang menganggap makanan yang diaduk itu jorok dan make kaos kaki harus dari kanan ke kiri (or else dia bakalan copot tuh kaos kaki dan make ulang dari kanan ke kiri).

3. @joannayushi
Waktu pertama kali ketemu dia sih dia masih kecil banget waktu gue main kerumahnya si @echiechiechie. Litterally kecil banget. Kurus kering kerempeng kayak anak pesakitan, ngga nyangka banget dah kalo sekarang sekitar 10 tahun kemudian, ini anak makannya jadi kayak kuli panggul..
Dulu sih adek nya si @echiechiechie ini terlihat begitu tenang, ternyata gue salah sodara sodari sekalian. Anaknya geradakan bener dan gue sama sekali ngga mengira kalo she'll become one of my bestest friend.

4. @carolineirwan
Sebenernya pertama kali liat mah disalah satu lorong sekolah gue once upon a time, tapi yang berkesan sih waktu pertama kali masuk kelas 2 SMP dan dia duduk di depan gue.
Gue inget banget tuh dulu itu lagi pelajaran ekonomi, disuruh kelompok, jadilah gue ajakin dia buat sekelompok sama gue dan dimulailah awal pertemanan yang indah *wahahahahahaha*.

5. @sheilaliliana
Pertama kali ketemu dia itu jaman SD dah..
Belom temenan tuh, soalnya beda kelas dan dia mah temenan nya sama cowo yang *katanya* paling ditakutin 1 SD *makk..cemen bener yakk?*, pokoknya sangar dahhh!!
Terus kelas 1 SMP ternyata kita sekelas, dan masih aja dia mah sombong, temenannya sama anak- anak barisan kanan, isinya pinter- pinter semua.
Kagak inget bisa deket nya kenapa, yang jelas awalnya gue mikir dia pendiem, ah tahiiii, ternyata anaknya sableng juga..

6. Nathasia theno
Boy I forgot when we first met, I think it was also in first grade elementary school.
But about kelas 3 SD dia duduk sebaris sama gue dan temen- temen gue karena 2 ekor temen nya was such a bitch, and as far as I can remember I always best friend with her dan pertemanan gue dengan dia memgang rekor ngga pernah berantem sama sekali selama 14 taon gue kenal sama dia..

7. @vickasapta
Pertama kali ketemu dia itu pas hari pertama masuk kuliah..
dia duduk di depan gue pake jas almamater.
Pas ngobrol, dia sukses bikin gue melongo karena rumahnya jauh pisan di taman mini dan membuat gue sadar kalo masih ada belahan bumi lainnya..
Dan gue inget banget hari kedua gue udah dengan cihuy nya merubah nama dia menjadi "upik" dan ngajakin dia nge-gosip di comment friendster.
Gue pikir dia anaknya netral, eh ngga tau nya.. Tukang gosip juga dia..!

8. @winnieleono
Pas hari kedua kuliah, tempat duduk gue di dudukin orang, jadinya gue harus duduk sebaris sama nih si encim.
Awalnya diem aje dia di pojokan.
Terus besokannya gue lagi jalan mau pulang dia panggil gue dan nanya, "lu ngerokok juga?" Gara- gara gue mainnya sama anak- anak cowo di 5B.. Hahaha..
And we became friends since then..
Pertama sih gue kagak nyangka banget dah klo ni si encim mulutnya minta gue cabe-in..
Marah- marah mulu ngajakin kelahi..

9. @manda_armani
Awalnya gue pikir nih anak pinter nih. Pake kacamata, duduk di depan. Jadilah, gue terjebak satu kelompok kuliah pancasila gitu sama dia. Dengan harapan gue bisa nge-benalu-in dia, eh ternyata...
Penampilan emang bisa menipu. Tampang anak pinter itu hanya topeng!
Aslinya.. *inailahi* jauh dari normal.. Esumpedee banget dah ini anak cuwawakan parah.
Kagak bisa diem, kalo ketawa nular. Dan ternyata, dia duduk di depan gara- gara kagak muat kebelakang.. Wahaha..
Dan usut punya usut, ternyata temen- temen gue sama temen-temen dia saling berhubungan dan saling kenal, ca'ur banget dah kecil nya dunia gue begitu ketemu dia.

10. @ririnherman
Pertama kali ketemu itu pas sama-sama tau kalo kita sekelompok computer workshop dan kami pun tukeran nomer henpon *makkk...jadul bener sih perasaan*
Gue kira anaknya lempeng. Normal. Behave. Ternyata, salah total!
Boro- boro lempeng! Sakit juga nih anak kagak tau nya..
Jadi deket itu gara- gara tiba- tiba ngga ada ujan ngga ada angin, dia duduk di depan bersama gue, @manda_armani, @vickasapta dan @winnieleono yang akhirnya terbentuklah "gank" maha ca'ur yang uda hampir 2 taon kagak ketemu- ketemu juga nama yang waras *please guys, nama pinQ guRlz itu ngga masuk itungan!*..

Michelle Featherstone - Coffee and Cigarettes

2010-03-15T23:51:00.000-07:00

rain outside.
pitch black room, only with a light from laptop's LCD.
sitting alone in silence, despite rainy sound outside.
too silent, decided to click iTunes, and play some music.
"coffee and cigarettes" by Michelle Featherstone was my choice. one of soundtrack from a very popular TV Series, One Tree Hill.

I gave up coffee and cigarettes
I hate to say it hasn't helped me yet
I thought my problems would just dissipate
And all my pain would be in yesterday

I poured my booze all down the kitchen drain
And watched my bad habits get flushed away
I thought that that would keep my head on straight
And all my pain would be in yesterday

But it's true
I'm still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit
I must quit
You

I thought that if I didn't go and play
The sadness would get bored and go away
I thought that if I didn't go astray
Then all my pain would be in yesterday

But it's true
I'm still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit
I must quit
You

I sold my guitar and my piano
I thought that it was these that kept me low
I thought if only I could try and change
That all my pain would be in yesterday

But it's true
I'm still blue
But I finally know what to do
I must quit
I must quit
You

I must quit
I must quit
You

and i suddenly realize what i needed was quitting.
quitting rooting for better version of "our" story and start rooting for a new story for a better life...

one night, one discussion, two discussion junkie

2010-03-01T07:53:00.000-08:00

one crazy conversation between me and sheila...

rei says:

menurut pengalaman gue yg hampir selalu bersedih ini

sheila says:

hahahahahah

yaaa..

rei says:

the best way to forget adalah don't remember it...

hahahhahaa

sheila says:

haahahahahah

as simple as that yaaa

rei says:

yes

susah sih prakteknya

soalnya kita punya tendensi jadi orang rapuh yg annoying

sheila says:

setuju

rei says:

tp sebenernya cara termudahnya ya dengan tidak mengingat kalo kita sedih

sheila says:

hmm

gw akan cari tau gimana caranya melakukan hal itu

rei says:

jangan di cari tau,tp dijalanin aja la...

jangan fokus sama sedihnya

tp pikirin aja kalo sedih itu ngga nyata,semua cuma ada di pikiran lu

krn kenyataannya emang sebenernya bukan hati yg sakit la waktu lu sedih

tp otak lu

soal hati itu ngga bisa ngerasain apa2.sakit yg ada di hati itu cuma kangker dan segala macem sakit fisik lainnya

sedangkan sedih?

semua cuma ada di kepala lu

sheila says:

hmm

didnt realise that before

but its totally right ya

yg cape ya otak

bukan hati]

rei says:

yes

semua perasaan yg kita rasain itu asalnya dari otak

bohong ada orang yg bilang terlalu perasa karena terlalu pake hati

woi hellow,hati itu cuma organ yg bikin enzim dan ntah apa itu di perut lu

dia ngga bisa menciptakan dan mendeliver perasaan apa2

semua itu kerja otak

sheila says:

kerjaan ipa ya itu gw bahkan ga ngerti enzim apaan

hahahaha

rei says:

iya...

bener...

kalo sedih,lu kompromi lah sama otak lu

lu rubah persepsi lo soal sedih

dan ini yg lu blg gue tiba2 rohani

tp ini bener banget la

cukup anggep Tuhan lagi ngajakin lu becandaan la

sheila says:

wakakakak

rei says:

jadi cobalah mengerti selera humor nya tuhan yg rada aneh dan sulit di mengerti

dan ketawa lah sama Tuhan

sheila says:

u know

i know that God will not give me anything i cant handle

but i just wish he didnt trust me so much

rei says:

hahahahahahahaahhahahaaa

bener juga ya...

sheila says:

wakakkaakakak

nyolong quote dr temen

temen ntah nyolong drmana

rei says:

hahahaha...

sebenernya sedih sama seneng itu ngga ada lagi...

sheila says:

jadi seneng sama aja kaya sedih?

ada di otak doank gitu?

rei says:

iya...

sheila says:

masalah persepsi aja

rei says:

yes

semua cuma ada di otak lu

yg beda cuma otak lu mentransfer informasi yg mana ke bagian tubuh tertentu lu yg menciptakan 2 zat yg berbeda yg punya 2 efek yg berbeda

sheila says:

plis dont talk science

hahaha

rei says:

kita ini generasi yg ikut2an la..generasi yg ngikut sama apa yg udah ada...dan kita tau nya,diputusin itu sedih,jadian itu seneng

misalnya itu ya case nya

karena semua org taunya diputusin itu sedih

kita kalo diputusin cuma tau itu sedih

maka kita jadi sedih

dan otak kita mentransfer informasi sediih ke seluruh penjuru badan kita

sehingga badan bereaksi atas informasi sedih kita

gitu juga sebaliknya

sheila says:

*mencerna

rei says:

jadi sedih sama seneng itu cuma masalah persepsi

sheila says:

gw rasa ya re

lu uda terlalu dalem berkutat dalam hal sedih seneng ini

sampe2 lu bingung antara2 keduanya

buahahahahah

rei says:

hahahhaaa...kayaknya iya la...

sampe2 gue ga tau lagi gue seneng apa ngga

sampe gue ga tau lagi yg mana seneng yg mana ngga

sheila says:

bauhauahauha

hhhmm

tq loh rei sudah ditemani

aku merasa terhibur!

handsketches #5

2010-02-14T04:51:00.000-08:00

my recent hand-sketches...

2010-02-08T04:27:00.000-08:00

yeay!!!!!!!!!
officially ganti nama...!
"sleepless dreamer's dreams"

2010-02-05T03:29:00.000-08:00

i'm thinking to change my blog's name...
any idea, guys?

friends

2010-02-05T01:02:00.000-08:00

banyak orang yang bilang kalo nyari temen itu gampang, tapi nyari sahabat itu susah.
tapi ngga tau kenapa, gue ngga setuju.
nyari temen itu yang susah,
tapi sahabat ngga perlu kita cari karena kita akan saling menemukan.

sahabat ngga bisa dicari karena sahabat ngga punya kriteria apapun.
ngga perlu requirement apapun,
ngga perlu syarat apapun,
sahabat ngga punya ciri khusus.

kalo ada orang yang bilang sahabat itu "up and down" bareng kita,
gue sangat ngga setuju karena pertama, sahabat ngga akan biarin kita "down",
tapi kalo kita emang udah terlanjur ada dibawah, sahabat ngga akan ikutan kita turun kebawah karena kalo dia ada dibawah juga sama kita, siapa yang akan angkat kita?
who will bring us "up" again?

terus kalo ada yang bilang sahabat itu adalah orang- orang yang selalu ada waktu kita susah.
lagi- lagi gue ngga setuju.
karena yang namanya sahabat ngga akan pernah biarin sahabatnya susah.
dan kalopun kita udah terlanjur sedih dan ada dalam kesulitan,
yang namanya sahabat adalah orang- orang yang mau ngga mau bikin kita keluar dari kesulitan meski itu melanggar all their own values of life.

kalo ada yang bilang sahabat itu selalu ada mau seneng ataupun sedih.
sekali lagi gue ngga setuju.
karena yang namanya sahabat ngga perlu dibuktikan dengan ke-availability-an mereka dengan selalu ada kapanpun.
tapi yang namanya sahabat itu orang- orang yang ngga keberatan kita cari saat kita butuh mereka dan orang- orang yang ngga bikin kita keberatan saat mereka nyari kita karena butuh kita.

there's a quote from one indie film, Kain Warna- Warni, It says " Sahabat itu ngga boleh minta lebih, boleh nya ngasih."
dan gue sangat setuju sama yang ini.
karena menurut gue, yang namanya sahabat itu bukan nya "minta". tapi kita "ngasih".
kita "ngasih" semua yang bisa kita kasih ke mereka karena kita tau dan yakin kalo mereka juga akan ngasih apapun yang bisa mereka kasih ke kita.

sahabat itu bukan seberapa banyak waktu yang dihabiskan bareng- bareng,
ato seberapa sering ketemuan dan jalan bareng,
atau seberapa banyak yang udah di-obrol-in.
karena sahabat itu bukan matematika yang perlu diitung- itung.
bukan juga kayak akuntansi yang perlu dihitung untung-rugi nya, karena pasti banyakan rugi nya (apalagi kalo sahabat lo kayak sahabat- sahabat gue... ahhahahaa... ;P).

dan menurut gue, kalo ada yang bilang sahabat itu orang yang paling bisa menghibur kita, mungkin itu bukan sahabat dia.
karena yang namanya sahabat itu bukan orang yang senyum manis demi nutupin pahit.
dan jelas, buat gue sahabat itu nampar, bukan nya nyium.
sahabat itu bukan orang- orang bermulut manis yang cium kanan kiri kasih kalimat cantik berbunga- bunga,
tapi justru yang nampar, yang nyilet, yang ngomong sejujur- jujurnya mau seperih apapun kenyataan tanpa dilapisin renda- renda.
karena sahabat bukan bukan orang- orang yang cuma bisa bikin kita seneng, itu sih tugas orang lain.
sahabat itu yang menyadarkan, mengingatkan, dan memeluk kita.
jadi, semakin jahat sahabat lu, semakin sayang dia sama lu.

gue, full time friend.
jangankan cuma di repot-in bantuin bikin tugas,
atau sekedar nge-beres-in masalah yang mereka bikin.
kalo kaki harus jadi kepala dan kepala harus jadi kaki buat bantu mereka, selama gue bisa, mungkin gue akan laku'in.
bukan karena gue tolol atau gila,
tapi karena gue tau persis sahabat- sahabat gue juga akan rela melakukan hal yang sama buat gue.
jangankan repot jemput dan anterin gue pulang,
atau gue buat bosan dengan cerita gue,
selama mereka dan mampu, apapun itu, mereka pasti akan laku'in kalo perlu buat bantu gue.

dedicated untuk
orang- orang yang mungkin kalo bisa pada muntah liat kelakuan gue dan denger cerita- cerita gue, udah jadi bulimia gara- gara muntah- muntah.
untuk para sahabat yang (ya Tuhan) seumur- umur kagak pernah "nyium" gue, kerjaannya nampar doang.
untuk para sahabat yang (Only God Knows Why) ngga pernah kapok gue bego- bego'in dan gue tolol- tolol'in instead gue hibur saat mereka sedih. dan yang ngga pernah kapok denger kalimat- kalimat pedas dan biadab gue.
untuk para sahabat yang bukan hanya selalu ada, tapi ngga pernah hilang karena mereka hanya sejangkauan jempol di keypad handphone.
untuk, mereka, orang- orang yang ngaku nya sahabat, tapi udah gue anggep kayak saudara...
(okay, gue sudah mulai terlalu sentimentil)
this post is for you guys...
love ya' all!
cups!

"no offense" my ass!

2010-01-25T15:40:00.000-08:00

Kita semua pasti pernah menyinggung seseorang, entah sengaja atau ngga.
Entah sadar, entah ngga..

Tapi kita sering ngomong "no offense" before we did offended someone.
Kita sering bilang "no offense" padahal sisa kalimat kita jelas- jelas offended orang tersebut and we know exactly kalo orang itu berkemungkinan berasa being offended.
Yeah, no offense my ass!

Sama kayak "no hard feelings" waktu kita habis ngomong sesuatu yang berkemungkinan bkn lawan bicara kita punya "hard feelings" tadi itu..

Dan sama juga dengan putting "sorry broadcast tapi ini penting" in every your blackberry broadcast message mau penting apa kagak. It's like lu tau kirim broadcast message itu nyebelin,dan ngga penting-penting banget juga, but you still send it anyway and apologizing beforehand..
Oh okay, gue udah mulai ngelantur..
Hahahaha...

Tapi point gue adalah GA GUNA abis lu ngomong "no offense" sebelom lu offend someone karena toh intinya lu tetep menyinggung orang tersebut dan orang tersebut tetep berasa disinggung. So what's the point anyway, right?!
Kalo gue jadi orang yang disinggung bukannya ease my feelings denger kalimat itu, malah jadi tambah enek..
Kalo mau offend yaudah, ngga usah sok ngga mau salah dan sok ngga mau dianggep menyinggung.. *oh okey,gue sudah terlalu emosional*.
Maksud gue, ini semua sama aja dengan lu ngebuntingin anak orang dan bilang itu kecelakaan,
Ato lu ngebunuh orang dan bilang lu ngga sengaja.
Ngga ada point nya gitu..
Dan ngga ada guna nya..

Sebaiknya gue jujur,
Sebenernya gue nulis poting ini saking aja lagi kesel sama broadcast message..hahaha..
Dan ga ada tujuan atau pesan khusus yang ingin gue sampaikan sih..hahaha..

Quotes #7

2010-01-25T06:47:00.000-08:00

if there is no hell, there is no heaven..

2010-01-22T09:31:00.000-08:00

"if there is no hell, there is no heaven..."

--

gue selalu percaya kalo keseimbangan itu hal paling esensial dan paling penting dalam hidup.
keseimbangan itu seolah key to living your life.

sama kayak yin-yang.
ngga ada yang bener- bener hitam, dan ngga ada yang bener- bener putih.
setiap hitam, pasti ada bagian putihnya.
dan setiap putih pasti ada bagian hitamnya.
keseimbangan itu saling melengkapi.
sama kayak baik dan jahat.
kalo ngga ada yang jahat, yang baik ngga akan terlihat baik.
Kalo ngga ada gelap, terang ngga akan jadi hal yang ditunggu.
Keseimbangan itu masalah dua hal bertolak belakang berjajar saling membanding agar saling kelihatan dan saling nyata eksistensi nya.
Dan supaya bagian yang jelek nya, mempertegas bagian bagus nya supaya kita inget buat seneng dan bersyukur.

Karena ngga akan ada putih kalo hitam nya ngga ada,
Ngga akan ada juga seneng tanpa sedih.
If there is no sadness so there is no happiness..
Karena kalo kita ngga pernah ngerasa'in sedih, kita ngga akan tau apa itu seneng, dan seneng ngga akan ada.
Kalo sedih itu ngga pernah ada, dan yang ada cuma seneng, kita udah ngga akan lagi bersyukur saat kita seneng soalnya seneng udah jadi hal yang biasa, bukan lagi anugerah yang perlu disyukuri.

Jadi semua memang perlu ketidak sempurnaan supaya yang sempurna keliatan.
Semua perlu hitam supaya putihnya keliatan.
Semua perlu susah nya, buat ngerasain bahagia nya kemudian..

Oh shit, kayaknya bener kata sheila gue sudah mulai semakin "rohani"..

sadness

2010-01-21T08:45:00.000-08:00

Semua orang pasti pernah sedih.
Justru kayaknya, sedih itu seolah lebih wajar dari bahagia.

Semua orang pasti punya cerita sedih mereka masing- masing.
Mengecewakan, dikecewakan.
Entah jadi si tokoh baik, ntah jadi si tokoh jahat, semua punya cerita nya masing- masing.
Semua punya kesedihannya masing- masing.

Jangan tanya deh gue pernah sedih atau ngga, karena nampaknya setengah masa remaja gue yang sebentar lagi akan habis ini bener- bener gue habiskan dengan bersedih.
Dari yang bener- bener sedih, sampe sedih nya jadi berasa cuma ecek- ecek.
Sampai akhirnya gue ada pada titik ini.
Titik jenuh dimana gue udah susah nge-beda-in yang mana gue sedih, yang mana yang biasa aja, yang mana lagi seneng. Yang gue tau cuma gue menjalankan kisah gue tidak dengan gembira dan ke-positif-an.
Sebelom ada yang nanya apa gue ngga cape selalu jadi orang yang negatif,
Let me tell you something,
Being negative is something that helps me live my life, something that helps me through the days.
Kenapa?
Karena dengan being negative, gue ngga lagi ngeliat hal- hal indahnya, hal- hal cantiknya, tapi gue liat kemungkinan terburuknya, dan siap- siap kalo kemungkinan buruk itu terjadi.
Dan kalo ternyata kemungkinan buruknya bener- bener terjadi, setidaknya gue udah ngga terlalu kecewa dan ngga terlalu terpuruk. Tapi kalo ternyata yang terjadi justru yang bagusnya, toh gue ga rugi apa- apa.

Tapi gue sama sekali tidak bangga dengan diri gue sendiri yang cenderung terlalu negatif memandang segala sesuatu. Hey, gue juga pengen kali jadi cewe- cewe "happy-go-lucky" yang always look things from the bright side.
Tapi ngga perduli gimanapun gue nyoba, being positive just too much for me.
Entah gue yang kebanyakan sedih, gue yang terlalu perasa, gue yang terlalu berlebihan ato gimana, gue juga ngga ngerti..

Kembali ke topik sedih.
Beberapa waktu belakangan ini, salah satu temen gue seolah lagi sedih banget dan dia bilang, dia berharap bisa se-cuek gue. Sedih atau ngga, gue tetep keliatan biasa aja.
Here's some note for you, whoever you are, there is nothing wrong to be sad, the only wrong thing is when you let people knew that you're broken inside.
And when I said wrong it isn't because you let people knew your weakness.. Bukan, tapi kalo lu kasi liat kesedihan lu, you let people pitty you, and that just shameful..

Kesedihan itu sebenernya cuma masalah persepsi.
Sakit yang kita rasain waktu lagi sedih itu ngga bener- bener nyata.
Itu semua cuma ada di otak kita..
Itu semua cuma masalah paradigma..
Cukup geser paradigma kalian soal kesedihan dan kita akan liat kesedihan dari sudut pandang yang jauh berbeda.

Dan waktu lu bersedih, sah- sah aja jadi drama queen.. Karena gue percaya, every single person is allowed to be a drama queen once in a while in the moment of needed.. Karena sebenernya kita semua drama queen dan drama king.. Ratu- ratu dan raja- raja drama yang bisanya cuma bikin drama di hidup orang lain. So, yes you allowed to be drama queen, but at least you could be a great drama queen in a great story of drama..

For whoever who's sad in this very moment,
Cheer up mates!
Life is not that hard when you knew how to live it. So the only thing matter is just try to figure out how to living life the way it is supposed to be lived and just try to understand God's sense of humor..
Whatever your problems are, HE's just joking right now, so don't take it too seriously.. Just live with it, and have fun with Him.. And life would be easier.. Dan lebih menyenangkan..

Cheers!!

i just plain bored

2010-01-21T01:47:00.000-08:00

Bukannya gue tidak bersyukur,
Atau ngga suka sama kehidupan gue.
Bukan.
Gue hanya bosan..
Gue bosan sama hidup gue yang gini- gini aja.
Bosen sama hidup gue yang sebenernya nyaris ngga ada artinya.

Mungkin ini akan terdengar gila dan freak,
Tapi kadang gue iri sama film- film atau cerita- cerita novel dimana tokohnya saling bertukar tempat, atau saling hidup di kehidupan lain.
Dan gue sering banget ngarep satu pagi gue bangun dan gue udah jadi orang lain. Gue ingin merasakan hidup orang lain dengan masalah- masalah lain selain masalah gue, mungkin karena gue udah merasa terlalu bosan, dan gue ingin kembali mulai mensyukuri hidup gue.
Ya, mungkin ngga se-ekstrim tiba- tiba gue bisa time travel atau tiba- tiba gue ketemu orang yang bisa bikin gue ngulang masa lalu dan benerin semuanya, atau tiba- tiba gue bangun dan tukeran posisi sama tetangga sebelah..
(Eventhough, sejujurnya gue sering ngarep itu semua beneran bisa terjadi dan ngga cuma ada di film atau buku- buku novel).
Gue cuma ingin hidup gue lebih ada artinya..
I just want more..
Gue ngga mau hidup gue cuma kayak gini,
Gue ngga mau hidup gue cuma bangun pagi - kuliah - pulang - nonton atau sesekali pergi nge-mall sama temen.
Gue mau ada yang bisa diinget dari hidup gue.
Gue mau ada yang bisa diceritain dari hidup gue.
I want more.

Gue sempet mikir buat les jait, yang turns out gue injek pedal mesin jait aje gemeteran..
Terus, Gue bahkan berpikiran buat les masak..
Dan bahkan dengan gila nya, sempet mikir buat pergi ntah kemana and had my own adventure.

Gue bosen.
Tapi mungkin juga gue hanya merasa hidup gue udah penuh dengan toxic.
I stopped felt things,
Positivity just too much for me,
Thinking became overrated,
And everything seems blurry.
jadi gue perlu sesuatu yang bisa bikin gue berasa hidup gue kembali ada artinya.
Gue perlu sesuatu untuk bikin hidup gue kembali muter ke rotasi semestinya..

Gue sama kok kayak orang lain..
Hanya ingin punya hidup yang bisa diinget, punya hidup yang bisa diceritakan, dan punya hidup yang ada artinya.
Apa ada yang punya ide apa yang harus gue lakukan dengan hidup gue?
Anyone??

yet another post about marriage

2010-01-19T04:00:00.000-08:00

one of my high school friend is getting married this saturday, yes, this saturday, and i still can't believe it. i still can't believe that one of my high school friend is really getting married soon.
i mean, come on, look at us, only 19 (soon-to-be-20) years old, (not so) freshly graduate from high school and so far from graduating university.
we're just teenager for heaven's sake! and i just couldn't believe that one of my friend is getting married this soon!!!
it makes me think that I also should get married anytime soon too like I really need to get married.
but hell, I don't think I want myself be stuck in a marriage too soon...
Marriage, despite its function to legalize two people having sex (or making love to be more polite), is only an institution full of people's expectation.
it is only an institution that full of pressure (and (hopefully) pleasure also)...
well, it's not that I don't believe in marriage or I hate it, or anything. I just don't take marriage too seriously like it's the most important thing in life. i think marriage is only a compromise of two people that want to share the rest of their lives together.
I will be married one day, eventually.
and I do hope my marriage life is full of happiness.
got hitched with a great man, having a great life, and like those flick-chick romantic movies, together till death do us apart.. yeah, (maybe) I also want those sort of cheesy things. but it's definitely not now. not for now..
i mean, isn't it terrifying??
stuck with the very same person for the rest of your life? for every breath you healed, every step you made. waking up and go to bed with the same person every single bloody day.
some might say it's romantic, but for me, in this very age, those sounds lunatic! it's all terrifies me.. cos for me, married is like giving up the whole freedom you had and giving all your chance to be happy into one-man hand. it's like, if he's blew up, then everything is blew up!

married is giving everything we had to one lucky bastard who we shall pray never gonna break our heart.

so apparently, all a couples need to made their marriage success is not a basket full of prayer to having a cute babies, or to cherished and to respected each other, but
all a couple need to work their marriage is a HUGE LUCK, and a BIG DICK.
so, happy married you guys...

goodbye

2010-01-14T08:52:00.000-08:00

Semua orang pasti pernah ngalamin yang namanya "perpisahan".
Semua orang pasti pernah mengucapkan "goodbye" apapun kisah perpisahan mereka masing-masing.
Ditinggalkan, meninggalkan.
Semua orang pasti pernah merasakan ada sesuatu yang hilang. Yang seolah terpisah, dipisahkan dari diri nya.
Dan semua akan diiringi dengan sebuah kalimat sederhana "goodbye".
Saya ngga tau kata apa yang paling tepat untuk menerjemahkan "goodbye" kedalam bahasa indonesia.
Ntah "sampai jumpa lagi" atau "selamat tinggal" yang lebih tepat. But I go for the second. "Selamat tinggal".

Seperti yang saya pernah bilang,
Everyone has their own story, their own despair, their own miserability. And everyone has their own story of goodbyes.

Saya, terlepas dari saya suka atau tidak, saya mau atau tidak, bahkan saya sadar atau tidak, sudah menjumpai banyak perpisahan.
Best friends became strangers,
Lovers became enemy,
Death relatives.
Dan buat saya goodbye is a grief.
Goodbye is saddening.
Goodbye is bye.
Jadi saya selalu mikir, why is it people call it "goodbye" when there is nothing "good" in a "bye"?
Why people said "goodbye" when all the feelings left is the sadness or mourning?

Sampai tadi saya nonton 'ugly betty' season 4 episode 12. Saya ngga inget kalimat persisnya, intinya "there is something good in goodbye, it's the chance to moving forward and start something new" *ga persis, tp intinya gini..*
And then it suddenly made me think.
All we want in life is second chance of what we do wrong so we could do things differently.
All we usually want is a chance to start things from the very beginning.
Itu juga yang bikin begitu banyak orang yang berharap dirinya just hit by a bus and got amnesia so they could re-do their lives..
We all want a second chance to be better, to live better, to do things better,
And goodbyes are about second chance. About how you moving forward, take a step forward to whatever upon us, and starting over.
Starting the new phase of our life and be good at it. Be better then we used to be.
Cos beside goodbye is a second chance, it is also failure.
And we absolutely don't want to add another failure in our lives..
So we learn to be better,
We do things differently,
We take things better..
We living a life better so we don't need to say any goodbyes anymore..

Jadi, selamat tinggal memang penuh dengan perasaan sesak di dada dan ngilu di ulu hati.
Selamat tinggal juga seolah tidak meninggalkan apapun yang selamat.
Selamat tinggal memang tidak meninggalkan apa-apa..
Karena selamat tinggal memberi kesempatan baru untuk "do things better"..

Follow Friday

2010-01-08T08:10:00.000-08:00

got mentioned by two people for #FollowFriday on Twitter...

one is from @fajarjasmin :

"#FollowFriday: @reiginatjahaya Little idea machine that never stops. Your real-life energizer bunny."

and the second one is from my brother @renaldi_tj :

"My Last #FollowFriday: @reiginatjahaya absurd, random,but still "kontemplatif" with her "twitcot" yang like energizer bunny: TERUS,dan TERUS"

lovely.. thank you brothers...

antara sutradara-film horor-dan selangkangan

2010-01-06T03:39:00.000-08:00

mari kita buka postingan kali ini dengan sebuah pertanyaan.
pertanyaan yang begitu esensial dalam dunia per-film-an indonesia saat ini.

"ada apa dengan sutradara indonesia, film horor dan komedi selangkangan sih?"

jujur, sebagai penikmat film, gue agak prihatin melihat kondisi perfilm-an Indonesia.
gue inget banget waktu itu gue pernah denger salah seorang insan perfilm-an indonesia berkata bahwa "film indonesia sudah mulai bangun setelah lama mati suri..."
tapi kalo kta cermati lagi perfilman indonesia saat ini kok gue rasanya jadi ingin berkomentar "gimana mau bangun dari mati suri kalo baru melek udah dikasih obat tidur lagi?"
gue sempet mikir kalo film indonesia mungkin benar sudah mulai bangkit dengan munculnya banyak sineas berbakat macam Joko Anwar, Nia Dinata, Mouly Surya, Mira Lesmana, Riri Reza, dan Djenar Maesa Ayu. tapi kok makin kesini, makin diliat, film indonesia makin bikin perut bergejolak nahan muntah.
dari bioskop tanah air yang tiba- tiba banjir film remaja cheesy mellow menye- menye bin kapiran tanpa isi, lalu tiba- tiba para sutradara indonesia seolah kompakkan bikin film horror ngga serem sehingga seolah terjadi reuni alam maut di bioskop tanah air, dilanjutkan dengan nge-hip nya film- film komedi selangkangan, dan sekarang?
bioskop penuh disesaki oleh film horor dengan bumbu komedi selangkangan yang dimainkan oleh para remaja yang bisanya cuma mengucapkan dialog super cheesy.
ya bukan salah juga sih kalo mereka mau bikin film begitu, toh scary movie bisa laku.
tapi yang jadi masalah adalah, kalo mereka bikin film bagus sih ngga pa-pa... nah ini? marmut aja males nonton nya...

belakangan ini gue lagi sering nonton in film- film kancut dan me-review nya di sini. dan sungguh, hampir selalu, setiap habis nonton film- film itu, gue harus bengong, berpikir keras gue habis nonton apaan, dan memulihkan diri.
gue suka ngga paham sama orang- orang yang mengaku sutradara tapi bikin film kayak main lompat tali.
lompat- lompat yang penting lolos dan menang.
tepat kayak hamster- hamster imbisil yang mampu menciptakan film berjudul absurd macam "Pijat atas tekan Baw*h" atau "Hantu Binal Jembatan Semangg*" atau "Skandal Cinta B*bi Ngepet" ini yang ngga tau mikir apa sampe bisa bikin judul se-absurd itu dan film yang ngga kalah absurd sama judulnya.
film yang bikin gue si penonton berasa pengen lompat- lompat karena setidaknya gue tidak duduk diam dan merasa tersiksa.
gue ngga berlebihan sungguh, kalo ngga percaya silahkan tonton film nya KK Dh**raj, maka kalian akan tau apa yg gue maksud!
saking hebatnya, gue sampe berasa martabat gue sebagai manusia direndahkan karena ada yang mengira kalau ada orang yang bisa suka film model begitu, mungkin hamster aja males nonton nya..

bukan masalah mereka semua mau saingan meng-eksploitasi para makhluk alam maut sampe- sampe menyatut nama "Pocong" atau "Kuntilanak" untuk judul film mereka padahal pocong atau kuntilanak nya cuma muncul 1 scene. bukan juga masalah kalau mereka mau meng-eksploitasi para wanita di film mereka karena mereka pikir itu menambah nilai jual film mereka padahal yang ada malah terlihat seperti film semi esek- esek petromaks. dan jelas bukan masalah juga kalau mereka mau mengeksploitasi kebodohan para aktor dan aktrisnya sehingga terlihat natural... bodohnya.
semua jelas bukan masalah selama film horor nya serem,
semua jelas bukan masalah selama film komedi nya lucu,
dan jelas bukan masalah kalo film nya bagus.
nah ini?
serem nya kagak, eksploitasi hantu nya iye.
lucu nya kagak, komedi selangkangannya jalan terus.
film nya bagus kagak, tapi dibikin lagi terus- terus an yang model begitu?
mungkin buat mereka keadaan mental dan jiwa para penonton udah bukan lagi tanggung jawab mereka sebagai pembuat film kali ya?
atau mungkin mereka pikir, kita penonton akan mulai celeng dan akan mulai jadi bodoh di tengah film karena film mereka telah sukses menyedot sisa- sisa intelegensia para penontonnya hingga para penonton udah ngga lagi peduli dan ngga lagi bisa beda'in film bagus atau ngga.

meski mungkin menurut para curut- curut itu pendidikan bukan lah tugas mereka, tapi setidaknya mereka bisa kan sedikit memikirkan mental dan kesehatan orang- orang nya yang cukup gila dan belom sayang diri yang akan nonton film mereka.

gue orang indonesia dan ingin bangga sama indonesia,
ingin bangga sama produk indonesia,
ingin bangga sama film indonesia,
tapi kalo isi film nya cuma penyanyi dangdut pameran tete ato 2 ekor cowo yang tingkahnya kayak tikus kejepit berlagak jadi gay dan berakting super disturbing, apa yang mau di bangga in?
apa yang bisa dibangga in?

freewill

2010-01-04T00:24:00.000-08:00

salahkan twitter dan salahkan film- film itu yang telah membuat saya jarang sekali update blog!
salahkan mereka! dan jangan salahkan saya!
saya hanya korban!
semua salah twitter!
dia menggoda saya!
bitching around dalam 140 karakter ternyata lebih menggiurkan ketimbang bikin tulisan panjang yang belom tentu dibaca orang ini...
jadi tolong! jangan salahkan saya!
*oke, cukup neurotic moment nya ya nak!*

beberapa hari yang lalu, gue nonton film judulnya "The Brothers Bloom" (Adrien Brody, Mark Ruffalo, Rachel Weisz) ceritanya soal con man yang hidup dengan ngejalanin role yang mereka bikin buat dapetin uang. gue inget banget ada quote nya yg bilang "i just want an unwritten life..".
gue selalu beranggapan kalau kita itu ngejalanin apa yang udah direncanain buat kita, seolah kita cuma ngikutin role- role yang udah dikasih ke kita dengan segenap boundaries yang ada.
boundaries yang bisa berwujud peraturan, hukum, norma, nilai, dan ekspektasi.
ekspektasi diri kita sendiri, maupun ekspektasi orang- orang terhadap kita.
Seolah free will udah jadi barang langka.
Pas kebetulan baru- baru ini gue dikasih tugas buat bikin video tentang demokrasi yang bakal diikutin lomba di U.S embassy.
Jujur aja gue males banget, semua temen- temen gue juga super males.. Dan salah satu temen gue si vicka sapta mulai nge-tweet tentang bagaimana demokrasi seharusnya ngga memaksa mahasiswanya buat bikin video demokrasi dan ga maksa mahasiswa nya buat ikut lomba. Bagaimana demokrasi seharusnya bukannlah si dosen hanya memberikan teori- teori berdemokrasi sementara kita bahkan ngga diberi kesempatan berdemokrasi.
Sebenernya demokrasi kan adalah suatu bentuk jelas dari free will. Dimana seseorang punya hak untuk berpendapat, untuk menyampaikan apa yang ada dipikirannya, apa yang dia rasakan. Semua opini, ide, dan keinginan.
Tapi buat gue sendiri, "democracy is illusion. Democracy is a dream all the dreamers dreamed about. Democracy indeed a demoCRAZY.."
Karena sekarang ini, demokrasi cuma sesuatu yang kita pelajari, kita tau persis dan paham betul tanpa pernah benar- benar merasakannya..
Dan demokrasi layaknya aksesoris bermerk yang mahal.. Ngga semua orang punya. Dan ngga semua orang punya yang asli.
Maybe, negara kita, institusi pemerintahan kita, institusi pendidikan kita, lingkungan sekitar kita cuma punya demokrasi "KW 1" bukan yang asli. Itu kenapa kita, sebagai generasi muda suka males denger kata demokrasi.
Suka keburu pesimis dan cenderung miris karena kita tau pada akhirnya, yang punya kuasa akan tetap mengontrol kita dan lagi- lagi kita akan kembali terantuk dengan boundaries yang ada.
Kadang melelahkan try to pleased anyone else but ourself. Tapi memang kenyataannya free will atau freedom atau kebebasan itu bagaikan "a big fat giant lolly pop" for those who had diabetes.
Tempting, but we can't have it. Maybe one little lick would be no harm, but eat the whole lolly pop only risk your healthy.
Sama dengan kebebasan. Kebebasan, independency itu tempting banget. Semua orang mau punya kebebasan buat melakukan apapun yang mereka mau, semua orang mau bebas menyampaikan apa yang mereka pikir atau rasa. Tapi kenyataannya kita ngga bisa jadi bener- bener bebas. Ngga bisa bener- bener melakukan, memikirkan, atau mengatakan apa aja yang kita mau atau kita akan di cap sebagai pembangkang, pembelot, ngga pernah puas, kurang bersyukur dan sebagainya...
Yes, semua orang mau "unwritten life" dimana ngga ada marka- marka yang perlu dipedulikan. Ngga perlu berasa bahwa hidup adalah sebuah keharusan.
Tapi, bukan lagi masalah hidup yang gimana,
Bukan lagi masalah ingin hidup yang ini atau yang seperti itu,
Tapi masalah gimana menjalani hidup yang ini tanpa membuatnya seolah menjadi one bad-written life karena we can't do anything to change our life into someone else. Kita cuma bisa living it and make it valuable cos it is our life.
No matter how sucks or how bad it's been written.
It is still our life..

new year's post again...

2009-12-31T03:22:00.000-08:00

okay, today is New Year's Eve, but so what?
tahun lalu, persis di hari ini, gue pernah posting yang kalo ngga salah isinya adalah "what so special about new year? it's just another day changing for heaven's sake!"
and yes, today, one year after, i still want to say those exact words...
what the hell is so special about new year anyway?
apa yang bikin tahun baru sebegitu spesialnya sampe bikin banyak orang rela keluar, kejalanan buat stuck in such a messy massive traffic jam just for the sake of new year's eve celebration?
i just don't get the idea...
it's just another day changing, another month changing. so what so special about that except the fact that our world is become OLDER!

i, personally not a big fan of big new year's celebration because, i don't know why, i found new year's celebration party is sometimes full of desperation.
orang- orang ketawa menyambut datangnya tahun baru padahal semua lagi sibuk mikir "what the hell that i've already done this past year?" dan mikir "what on earth i had to do to fill my empty year so it can be more valuable?".
penuh dengan orang- orang yang sibuk bikin resolusi tahun baru hanya untuk menumbuhkan sedikit ke-positif-an tapi terus mengecewakan diri sendiri dengan ngga bisa memenuhi resolusi- resolusi bodoh mereka yang akhirnya membuat mereka semua mulai enurunkan standard resolusi mereka dari tahun ke tahun.
dan semakin tahun resolusi itu cuma di bongkar-pasang dan diturunkan standardnya, atau sekedar disingkarkan dulu untuk kembali dimunculkan beberapa tahun berikutnya.

yeah, gue bukan making-resolution-kinda-person to begin with.
ntah karena gue berpikir itu saddening atau mungkin juga karena gue hanya sekedar very pessimistic even for having a little faith in my self that maybe one of my resolution will ever be coming true.
i, maybe just as same as those desperate people trying to figure out what the hell am i doing with my life...
and maybe, the answer is i have no freakin' idea what the hell am i doing in my life.

dan menurut gue, new year's celebration biasanya dipenuhi dengan orang- orang insecure yang merasa "haram" ngga punya acara pas taon baru-an.
well, it's not that i hate new years or whatsoever, i just dislike the fact that so many people feel obligated to be with someone else in new year because they THINK they were A LONELY SAD PERSON if they just spend the entire year's last day alone, at home, and doesn't have any celebration at all.
geez, screw that!
i mean, what's wrong with being alone in new year? it's only another day changing for heaven's sake... it's not that big a deal..
hey, it's not denial. and i'm pretty happy spending this whole year's changing thing all by my self because it gives me time to think.
to think about everything. to think about every single thing that happened to me, to think about every single possibilities that may happens.
being alone is giving me time.
and so here i am,
sitting here, in my lonely-sad-depressing-yet-full-of-memories room, infront of my laptop, without any song for background, trying to figure out what am i WANTED (not supposed to, or should do) to do to my life next year, which only 30 minutes away.
and here's the thing...
i will do nothing except living my life just the way it is should be lived.
i will live my life as happy as i could be, as happy as i should be. and i will live my life fullest.
without any regrets, and just happily thank to whatever it is.
dan bukan karena gue mau ber-cheesy ria dengan bilang kalo everything is a gift, but because, well let me break this thing for you guys,
whatever it is, it is your life!
no matter how bitch they were,
no matter how hard they were,
no matter how shit thing turn to be,
it is your freakin' life...
and you cant do anything to run from it..
so embrace it, or you'll be this whiny-annoying-unfunny kinda person.
so once again,
it is your life anyway, and you'll be stuck with it with the rest of your life,
so embrace it.
fall in love all over again with your life.
because life is only big, fat, unfunny jokes that God give us to make us a little more tougher than we were, and so we could learn to understand God's sense of humor.
because if you're not love your life,
the your life would be ten times miserable than it already has.

so, happy new freakin' year for all each one of you!
let life be less bitch than it used to be...
cheers!

new year's post

2009-12-31T02:58:00.000-08:00

pertama, gue harus minta maaf karena sudah terlalu lama gue absen dari dunia per-blog-an dan menjadi blogger murtard. sungguh gue minta maaf.
gue bukan blogger musiman yang bikin blog, nge-post beberapa tulisan, lalu meninggalkan blog begtu saja hingga berdebu lalu membuat blog lain. gue bukan blogger seperti itu, hanya saja with no particular reason, para ide- ide seolah lagi pada jutek dan memusuhi gue.

but today, as we all know, is new freakin year's eve! so yes, the second thing i want to say to you guys is
"HAPPY FUN-FREAKIN-TASTIC NEW YEAR" to all of you
and may God listen to our prayers to make life less bitch then it is this year...

merry christmas

2009-12-25T22:25:00.000-08:00

well maybe,
maybe this is a little bit late,
but so what?!

"Have a Very Merry Christmas (season) guys!"

Quotes #6

2009-12-24T01:29:00.000-08:00

Quotes #5

2009-12-23T04:08:00.000-08:00

set up

2009-12-22T09:50:00.000-08:00

something has surely changing in my life.
something has surely changing in me.
the way i look at days,
the way i look at things,
the way i look at my self is never be the same ever again.
it's all changing.
and i don't even know whether it changing into a better or a worse thing.
all i know is just, everything was changed.
I, was changed.

being here,
in my empty-yet-full-of memories room, in front of my laptop, writing this post, while Life House's song played in background,
i tried to remember what the hell is changing me.
it's him. everyone knows that.
but, i think it takes more than him to change me.
maybe he did change a little piece of me, but the rest?
i don't think it is him.
it is life i think.
it is life who change me into this person.
it is the fact that i never do anything in my life, that i never achieve any targets in my life,
the fact that i never do any THING in my whole life is changing me.
i mean, by sitting here,
the clear images of me never do anything particular in my life made me terrifies. it made me look things differently. it made me see days differently.
those nineteen-almost-twenty-years passing by without any meaning.
those years just goes by, passing away and wasted.

it is almost new year.
and like i said last year, i don't do new year's resolution, i don't write new year's hope.
because maybe i'm too coward to face another failure when trying to pursue my targets.
or maybe i just too lazy to pursue anything in my life.
but again, the fact that i never done anything in my life slapping my face up and made me realize that i had to do something.
so here it this,
the clock ticking,
the target set already,
three weeks, one story.
three weeks, one born-to-be book.

Sebastian Pigott - Alien Like You

2009-12-18T05:40:00.000-08:00

i'm in love with this song!
i first heard it when i watched "Being Erica", a canadian TV Series starring Erin Karpluk. it's quite nice series tho'.
and in their season 2, episode 5, one of tha cast Kai (Sebastian Piggot, a member of Piggot Brothers, a Canadian Rock Star) sang this song. and after that on their twelve episode, Kai sang it again.
here's the scene of it, i took it from youtube..

and here's the lyrics of it.. (and yes, there's a slight different words from the first clip and the other.. and pardon me if there's a mistake because i get this lyrics by listening the song over and over again and write it down..)

I know what your feeling
It's hard to believe in
that home must be millions
and billions of light years away
so let the stars align
let the water make wine
cause broken souls would become home tonight
oh tonite
we know its right so...

lift your eyes and let me in
cause baby Im an alien, like you
will you ever let me be, alien.... with you

Aren't you tired of running
from what your becoming
the truth is its useless there's nowhere to go its not going to find you
so let the heavens flare
let's not be scared
we know love is a world above this one
it's like the sun

lift your eyes and let me in
cause baby Im an alien, like you
will you ever let me be, an alien.... with you

love is hardcore

2009-12-09T20:12:00.000-08:00

gue ngga pernah percaya sama yang namanya cinta- cinta an...
ngga pernah juga percaya love does exist...
buat gue cinta itu cuma sekeranjang penuh kebohongan. sebuah kata yang diciptakan sama pujangga roman klasik jaman dulu supaya kisah dongeng mereka jadi laku.
cinta itu ngga lebih dari sekedar phrase penuh ke-klise-an.
i never believe in love.
never believe love does exist.
never ever think that i will fall in love one day.
never ever think, even in my wildest dream, i will love someone...

but apparently, i was wrong.
love does exist...
maybe i'm not fall in love with anyone right now...
but i love someone.
i always love that person.
i thought i don't believe in love because i never fell in love.
but the truth is...
i do loving someone this whole time.
i do fall in love. fall deeply in love...
and the reason why i never fall in love with another person because i'm in love for this whole time... i'm in love till i forget how to love anyone else but him.
i'm so in love till i, my self didn't realize that i love him that much...
i'm so in love till i even forget how to love myself...

and love,
is a crappy thing.
it's not bullshit. but indeed it's full of shit...
to love is to sacrifice.
to sacrifice is to feel pains.
feel pain is to feel fearless about fear...

love is anything but nothing.
i still don't think there is a happy ending for any kind of love story.
i still don't think there were a happy ending for love.
cos love doesn't need sweet romantic romance, nor pure heart like an angel.
love is hardcore.
love is something that require sacrifices.
it's not an angelic pure heart that you need, but a box full of sacrifices. a box full of brave heart.
because love indeed not a sweet softy comfy things.
it's rough, hard, hurting, hardcore, uncomfortable, crazy, fool, but insanely gracious in the same time...

#reirandomtweet

2009-12-07T08:03:00.000-08:00

coba ya gue mau narsis sedikit...
jadi alkisah setiap malam, menjelang tengah malam, otak gue ber-evolusi menjadi sedikit lebih besar dan jadi mampu menghasilkan kalimat- kalimat celeng.
maka setiap malam, di twitter gue akan mengadakan late night tweet yang gue beri hash tag #reirandomtweet yang isinya adalah tweet- tweet random gue menjelang malam.
yang isinya kira- kira begini :

Life is not about finding the purpose of life.but just to live it.. #reirandomtweet
Sometimes,the best part of our life when we had those tiny lil' happiness while our life full of a gigantic probs #reirandomtweet
Cinta itu kayak cappuccino.tampilannya cantik.wanginya harum.nikmat dilidah.tapi bikin enek kalo uda dingin dan kebanyakan #reirandomtweet
Lover should be like painkillers. They make pains disappeared.not making a new pain everysingle day. #reirandomtweet
kalau Tuhan itu maha segalanya dan dia adalah maha romantis, maka dia juga maha tidak romantis... #reirandomtweet
What makes break ups hard isn't the person we love move on already.but because we never think we ever broken up. #reirandomtweet
There is no such thing called 'fixing a broken heart'.cos once it broke,it'll never be the same ever again. #reirandomtweet
Kdg apa yg kt anggap nyata tyt hanya sekedar ilusi.dan ap yg kt pkr hanya mimpi buruk tyt sakitnya seperih cubitan di pipi #reirandomtweet
love is something irreversible. something that you can't repeat, something that you can't erase. something that will stick. #reirandomtweet
one good thing being a girl for sure : you're allowed to bitching people around just by saying "PMS" .. blissful! #reirandomtweet
love is like butterfly... yeah they flew away and don't you even think to catch it cos it's bloody hard!! #reirandomtweet
OPEN relationship and friend with BENEFIT is like opening a store without any customer. NO BENEFIT at all... #reirandomtweet
Fallin' love is supposed to be hurt. that's why we call it "fall-in-love". cos there is no fall without pains. #reirandomtweet
It's not broken heart. It's the nonacceptance of the reality that the person you loved,moving on already #reirandomtweet
i don't have any pure heart like an angel. i just had this box full of sacrifices. #reirandomtweet
i'm not an angel for sure. i'm just a mere human girl who standing still from the very beginning till the very end... #reirandomtweet
'Don't leave me' is sometimes undestatement while 'i will never leave you' was overstatement.. #reirandomtweet
what makes us afraid isn't the pain,nor the sadness.but the ability 2 knew that something important in our live has vanished #reirandomtweet
The 'butterflies' doesn't exist. It's just the stomachache.. #reirandomtweet
Relationship is overrated while love sometimes was underrated #reirandomtweet

silahkannnn dilihat dan di-follow disini kalo berkenan...hehehe... :D

Quotes #4

2009-11-30T00:43:00.000-08:00

5 stage of grief

2009-11-26T02:58:00.000-08:00

there's 5 stages of grief...
denial - anger - bargaining - depression - acceptance.
these stages maybe not always came in those same particular order. it depends. but always those five.
there's always those 5 stages for every kind of grief.
death. lost. disappointment. even broken heart.

1. Denial

we, human being, tend to deny all bad things that happen to us, all the shit that happen in our life. because maybe, in fact we are a positive person,
we tried to think positive, we tried to seek the bright side, the bright possibilities even though deep down in your heart we knew already that was useless, cos shit does happens all the times and no matter how positive we tried to set our mind, those shit still happens anyway.
then, because we still can't accept the shit, we deny the truth by putting our self in this box, box called dreams.
the box full of our expectation that makes all the reality get blurry.
yes, we deny cos things doesn't go as we planned.
we deny cos everything's different with the dreams we had.
so we deny.
we deny cos we were afraid to facing the reality.
we deny things cos we cared.
yes, so we deny...

2. Anger

after denying the bites of the reality, we usually get angry.
get angry of everything but ourselves.
we blame everyone, everything.
we blame others to be responsible for the shit to happens, we blame God to be so unfair and gave us these typical of problems. but never blaming our self...
yes, we're angry. and blaming.
once again, we're angry cos we're afraid.
we're afraid to take any responsibility we should,
we're afraid to see the situation with another perspective and found that we're also take the part so the things happens.
so we're angry at others.
we blame them without any second look to ourselves cos we are afraid.

3. Bargaining

The doubt start appear.
and you start asking "what if".
you start making another "if this..." and "if that...".
we start bargaining with ourselves,
we star bargaining with God,
with other person.
we make an offer,
we begged things going better than what happens already.
we wondered what if things goes better, how if things done differently...
we start making an offer to ourselves, to others, to God.
and i do believe this sort of things because we still deny the truth, we still can't accept the whole truth cos we're afraid.
and what makes us afraid is not the pain, nor the sadness.
but it's our ability to knew that something, something important in our lives has vanished. something has missing. something has taken away from us.
and that's the most terrifying thing in lost. in grief.

4. Depression

we kept try to avoid things.
avoid the truth.
we start making "our own" story.
but in some point, reality came slapping us and waking us up from all those comforting dreams and the reality is, um...what should i put? bad? CRUEL and HARSH to be precise.
and finally we start realizing the reality, we start disappoint by the truth.
and it will came to depression.
it came to this feelings like we were eating alive.
bites us and chew us into a tiny million pieces.
the sadness came appear,
the loss haunted us.
and we felt depressed. we felt the world is fighting against us. everything was a mess.
we felt down, rejected, useless, helpless, and those sort things...
and yes, we depressed cos we start to realize thing.
we start see things more clearly.
and we start trying to accept the shit..

5. Acceptance

This is the hardest part.
and this stage came in 2 things.
letting go, and move on.
letting go is, simply put, not even close to moving on.
we accept, we let things go, and then we moving on.
so it's different.
we accept by know the reality, by realize the shit is happen no matter what.
we let things go by accept the whole truth, the whole situation, the whole things by whole heartedly.
and we move on if we ready to start something new, if we start to put all the past behind.
the acceptance is when we ready to face the new things. the new experience.
we ready for new grief cos everyday in our lives is a grief...

right now, i'm on my own grief.
and those five stages does came.
but for me it's more like denial - bargaining - depression - anger - (hopefully) acceptance.

p.s : pardon my english pal!

the benefits of the doubts

2009-11-19T08:41:00.001-08:00

the benefits of the doubt...
this is the phrase that we usually used when we having a doubt or suspect whether that person was truth or not, but we still accept what they said anyway. like i doubted when my friend told me that she's sleep at home on saturday night, but i choose to accept it anyway even though maybe i still doubt it. yeah, something like that.
that called "the benefits of the doubt". you give them the "benefits" of the doubts you had by trying to believe before 100% accusing the person.

well, i'm here not to give any of you the language lesson or some kind of that,
i just feel like this "the benefits of the doubt" thing is sometimes stupid.
we, usually giving this benefits of the doubts to someone that having a relation with us, that had been bonded with us, someone we care, someone we love because we always assuming that the person we love never tell a lies.
to be honest. the person we love DOES never tell a lies IN A FAIRY TALE!
but unfortunately, we are not live in fairy tales.. and people we do love, does telling a lie to us.
and why on earth you give them "the benefits of the doubt" when you knew they was lying? just for the sake of "i try to believe them" or "they deserve a second chance..."?!

oh! screw that crap!
i mean,
communication is something irreversible. something that you can't repeat, something that you can't erase. something that will stick.
this is the same with lying or hurting someone.
those things are irreversible.
so what's the point by giving the benefits of the doubts when you know, deep down, you were hurt and the pain will stick.
what's the point by trying to believe when you, deep down, knew that person was lying? what's the point by trying to accept whatever those person said just for the sake of second chance?
so yes, in my opinion,
the benefit of the doubt was stupid.
that was very stupid cos this thing made us doubting our self. made us doubting whether we made the right choice to believe or to not believing.

simplisitas

2009-11-11T04:31:00.000-08:00

right now, while i'm sitting here, in some random overrated highly priced coffee shop, with some superly delicious apple pie and not so tasty half empty cappuccino and not to mention a very- very- very awful indonesian's crappy song i don't know played in big screen, i feel somehow, alone.

gue belakangan jadi kebanyakan mikir, menulis setengah jadi, dan kembali mikir meski sebenernya gue ngga pernah bener- bener yakin sama apa yang gue pikirin.

belakangan semua nya seolah jadi seperti sebuah skenario drama, skenario drama murahan yang gue bahkan ngga pernah berani ngebayangin ini akan jadi drama gue. gue pikir ini hanya ada di kehidupan orang lain dan di TV.

all of this seems too much for me to handle.

all this drama is overwhelming...

first,

i'm not a drama kind of girl.

gue hanya mau segala sesuatu yang simpel.

yang ngga ribet.

termasuk romantisme.

gue hanya ingin yang simpel.

gue hanya ingin sebuah hubungan yang simpel.

se-simpel berbagi sepiring nasi goreng porsi besar,

se-simpel mug kembar berpasangan dengan desain lucu.

gue ngga pernah ingin hubungan penuh romantisme yang membawa komplikasi dan keruwetan disana- sini, di kanan-kiri.

gue hanya ingin segala sesuatu yang simpel. hubungan yang simpel.

tapi kayaknya emang ngga pernah ada yang simpel.

mungkin ini menjelaskan kenapa ngga pernah ada kisah drama yang simpel.

semua nya penuh dengan keruwetan, penuh dengan intrik, bumbu- bumbu pemanis dan pembuat pahit.

tidak ada yang simpel.

simplisitas sudah jadi barang langka nampaknya.

segala yang ruwet dianggap lebih baik, dianggap lebih hidup, dianggap lebih.

semua acara televisi, semua drama serial, tidak lagi menawarkan simplisitas.

semakin ruwet, dianggap semakin pintar.

semakin kompleks, dianggap semakin mengasah pikiran.

yeah, mengasah pikiran my ass!

kita hanya dibodohi dengan regulasi ruwet taik kucing karena yang mudah, yang simpel udah ngga laku.

sampai di point ini,

gue jadi bener- bener mikir,

apa bener udah ngga ada lagi setitik simplisitas yang tertinggal?

apa cuma pikiran gue aja yang membuat semua nya jadi semakin sulit, semakin kompleks, semakin ruwet padahal mungkin saja kenyataannya semua ini simpel?

ya...

mungkin sebenarnya semua ini simpel.

se-simpel setelah 1 itu 2. sebelum B itu A.

sesimpel tinggalkan atau terus tinggal.

sesimpel lupakan atau tidak lupakan.

sesimpel membiarkan diri terus memuat dosa atau membiarkan hati yang terus sakit.

mungkin sesimpel itu.

sesimpel hitam dan putih.

sesimpel aku, kamu, dan dia itu tidak pernah bisa jadi sebuah kalimat yang satu dalam hubungan romantisme mau se simpel apapun, se ruwet apapun.

every ending is a new beginning

2009-11-10T00:55:00.000-08:00

belakangan gue jadi suka mikir kalo sebenernya there is no happy ending or sad ending cos in fact there is no ending after all.
mungkin ini terdengar cliche, tapi orang yang bilang "every ending is a new beginning" itu bener banget.
there is no ending. sebuah akhir itu hanyalah sebuah awal untuk menuju sesuatu yang baru.
dan keluar dari mulut gue, seseorang yang hidupnya in between mungkin aneh,
tapi banyak hal yang belakangan terjadi dan membuat gue mikir kayak gitu.

setiap hari, setiap waktu, setiap saat, kita selalu sedang melakukan sesuatu, ditengah sesuatu, menuju sesuatu.

meski kadang "sesuatu" itu kita anggap kurang penting, tidak penting, dan seringkali luput dari perhatian kita dan mungkin kerap kita anggap tidak ada, tapi setiap hari adalah "sesuatu". sesuatu yang sedang dijalani dan sesuatu yang akan berakhir tapi kembali disambut dengan "sesuatu" yang baru.

jadi sebenernya, ngga pernah bener- bener ada yang berakhir. semua hanya serangkaian awal- awal baru.

lalu kenapa juga kerap kali kita masih suka terjebak dan menjebak-kan diri dalam masa lalu?

another perspective

2009-11-07T06:59:00.000-08:00

selingkuh sama jadi selingkuhan kira- kira dosa nya banyakan yang mana ya?

gue tau, kalian mau jawab dosa nya sama aja. apalagi buat yang pernah di selingkuhin. gue yakin kalian punya sejuta alasan buat me-najis-kan tindakan ini,
tapi bagi kalian yang pernah berada di posisi tersebut, either jadi selingkuhan atau selingkuh dengan segala jenis dan macam alasan kalian, kalian akan punya berjuta pembelaan diri buat bikin dosa kalian lebih sedikit.

gue?
gue ga tau dosa nya banyakan yang mana dan mungkin gue ga mau tau.
karena gue yakin semua tukang selingkuh dan semua selingkuhan punya kisah mereka masing- masing. ya meskipun kisah mereka itu tidak lantas jadi meligitimasi perselingkuhan, tapi setidaknya itu cukup untuk tidak membahas lebih besar dosa yang mana.
hahahahahaha....
dan apakah gue menyetuji perselingkuhan?
ntahlah.
dari dulu prinsip gue hanya satu dan ini selalu gue katakan kepada teman- teman gue yang bimbang, lakukan apa yang buat lu senang. jadi kalo selingkuh bikin lo senang, maka silahkan selingkuh selama ngga ketauan. dan kalau jadi selingkuhan bikin lo senang, maka silahkan jadi selingkuhan.
jadi sebenernya gue tidak pernah sungguh- sungguh mendukung sebuah perselingkuhan dan tidak juga sungguh- sungguh menentang perselingkuhan.
tapi gue tau kalau itu salah. dua- dua nya salah. baik berselingkuh dan jadi selingkuhan. tapi toh ngga ada yang bener kan di dunia?
ngga ada yang benar- benar "benar" dan benar- benar "salah"...
sekali lagi, semua itu relatif.

udah banyak tulisan, buku, film yang ngebahas soal perselingkuhan.
liat aja berapa puluh reality show yang tiap episode nya mencoba membongkar kedok perselingkuhan. ada yang dimaafkan, ada yang tidak.
sedangkan si selingkuhan?
tidak banyak yang membahas. dan selalu disalahkan dan tidak dimaafkan.
semua sinetron, semua lagu sepakat menyalahkan pihak ini, memojokkan, membuatnya jadi yang paling rendah dalam rantai hubungan.
dikatai perusak hubungan, penggoda, kurang ajar, ngga tau diri. apalagi kalau selingkuhannya seorang wanita...
wah, cap- cap seperti pelacur, cewe kegatelan bukan lagi hal yang mustahil, bahkan dengan gampangnya terdengar.

but have you, have we think about it from other perspective?
have you ever think what did they felt?
pernahkah elo, atau kita memikirkan apa yang mereka rasakan?
selama ini kita selalu melihat seorang selingkuhan hanyalah seorang perusak hubungan yang ngga seharusnya ada dan seharusnya tau diri dengan ngga ganggu hubungan orang lain.
selama ini kita hanya menganggap seorang selingkuhan hanya dengan pandangan mereka yang harus dipersalahkan karena mereka yang "menggoda" dan mau "digoda" serta "tergoda".
but hey,
mungkin sebenernya mereka yang paling sakit dari semua nya...
mungkin sebenernya mereka yang paling rugi dari semua nya...
dan mungkin rasa sakitnya ngga kalah sama semua yang pernah diselingkuhin...
yes, they were hurt too...
cheating is about fall in love with the wrong person.
or attracted with the wrong person.
everyone has their own story, right?

sama kayak kisah cinderella misalnya.

selama ini kita hanya melihat kalau kakak- kakak tiri cinderella adalah dua bitch super menyebalkan yang cuma bikin kehidupan cinderella menderita.

tapi sebenernya mungkin ada kisah lain bukan?

bisa aja anastasia dan drizella adalah dua anak insecure yang hanya ingin secantik cinderella.

bisa aja anastasia dan drizella adalah dua remaja tanggung yang sama seperti remaja tanggung lainnya, memimpikan finding true love, married sama pangeran, jadi putri raja dan bla-bla-bla.

bisa aja anastasia dan drizella adalah dua gadis yang juga punya mimpi seperti cinderella, tapi yang membuat beda hanyalah mimpi cinderella jadi nyata, sedangkan mimpi anastasia dan drizella tidak.

kita udah biasa melihat semuanya dari sudut pandang cinderella yang disiksa dan di-kepo-in,

tapi kita lupa melihat kalo ada kisah- kisah lain selalin kisah si cinderella.

begitu juga dalam hal selingkuh- perselingkuhan ini.

kita,

hanya menempatkan diri di posisi "yang diselingkuhin" tanpa pernah tau dan mau tau kisah orang- orang yang "selingkuh" dan jadi "selingkuhan".

okay,

gue sejujurnya ngga tau gue lagi blabbering soal apaan dari setadi...

gue hanya melihat fenomena bagitu banyak yang mendua, diduakan, dan dijadikan yang kedua dalam sebuah hubungan.

dan gue hanya mau membahas bagaimana kita seharusnya tidak lagi men-judge orang- orang di sekitar kita.

tidak lagi menjudge teman kita, atau siapapun.

karena semua orang punya kisah mereka masing- masing dan punya luka masing- masing.

dan gue masih ngga tau gue lagi ngomongin soal apa...hahahahhaa...

Trans BSD vs PATAS AC

2009-11-02T06:13:00.000-08:00

wohoo.....
akhirnya gue kembali update blog!!
dan sekilas melirik judul diatas tolong jangan biarkan imajinasi kalian menjadi terlalu liar lantas membayangkan dua kendaraan berbentuk bis itu berubah jadi autobot kayak di transformers dan berantem (nampaknya gue yang berimajinasi terlalu liar)..
dan sebenernya juga gue nulis posting ini tidak untuk membandingkan antara dua kendaraan itu. gue cuma mau nyombong dan mau norak kalo hari ini, untuk pertama kali nya dalam hidup gue yang udah hampir 20 taon ini, GUE NAEK PATAS AC!
hell yeah!!

jadi begini kisahnya sodara- sodari, kawan- kawan sekalian.
hari ini kan ceritanya gue UTS (ujian tidak serius a.k.a ujian taik sapi) dengan jadwal jam 11 siang.
seperti biasa gue pergi ke kampus dengan naik Trans BSD dengan membayar dua-belas-ribu saja. jadwalnya sih seharusnya ujian gue selesai setengah 1, tapi jam 12 kurang 10 gue udah selesai dan dengan secepat kilat *mati.gue lebay parah!* gue ke halte busway dengan rencana mau nyampe di ratu plasa sebelom jam 12.15 supaya gue keburu naik trans bsd yang jam 12.15.
TERNYATA..... sampe 12.11 tuh busway belom dateng juga, gue udah lemes noh, tapi akhirnya dia dateng, gue pun berencana turun di gelora bung karno, siapa tau keburu ngejar tuh trans bsd.
dan kalian tau apa yang terjadi sodara- sodari? tepat pas gue menuruni jembatan busway sialan yang panjang banget itu, TRANS BSD gila itu lewat aja gitu melewati FX di depan mata gue tanpa mampu gue kejar mau secepet apapun gue berlari.
dan gue pun mulai bimbang antara jalan kaki ke ratu plaza, makan sambil nunggu yang jam 13.15 atau ke FX dan nonton lagi sendirian.
sambil jalan ke arah ratu plaza, tiba- tiba gue liat PATAS AC yang tujuan nya sampe cimone tapi lewat tol karawaci. dengan sok nya, gue memutuskan buat naek itu padahal seumur- umur kagak pernah naek gituan.
dan ternyata sodara- sodari, nge-sok naek patas ac ini sungguh ide buruk. kenapa? ternyata PATAS AC hanyalah sebuah tipuan nama karena AC nya bener- bener ala kadar nya alias cuma semriwing dikit, sedangkan bau keteknya level 11. BUSET BENER DAH!
well, okay... naik PATAS AC emang cuma enam-ribu-rupiah sedangkan Trans BSD duabelas-ribu-rupiah, tapi di trans bsd kagak bakal tuh lo denger ada abang- abang ngoceh "yang aus...yang aus... di belakang yang aus..." atau "kiss nya, permen wangi dari mayora yang dicampur permen mentos, kino, cuma seribu aja... sekali lagi permen wangi dari mayora, kino, relaxa..." atau "lima ribu.. cuma lima ribu... iseng- iseng diperjalanan... ada cara mainnya... cuma lima ribu.. ya boleh..." yang ini jualan rubiks... yang literally bikin gue super amazed.
dan yang jelas ngga ada tukang kacang serebu-an yang tiba- tiba naro in bungkusan kacang di pangkuan lo dengan santainya dan kembali lagi buat ambil kacang itu dari pangkuan lo kalo lu ngga makan kacang itu.... SUPER COOL!!!
hahahahaa....
mungkin gue norak, tapi buat gue yang seumur- umur baru sekali naik patas, ini adalah sesuatu yang menarik. seolah semua tukang jualan masuk dan berjualan di sana pas patas ini nge-tem. dari tukang minuman, tukang cemilan, tukang rokok, tukang kacang, tukang tahu, pengamen, tukang jualan rubiks, jualan peta, sampe JUALAN GUNTING KUKU! why on earth dia jualan gunting kuku di PATAS AC?! hahahhahaahahhaa....
gue bener- bener berasa pengen ketawa, tapi takut dikira gila sama bapak- bapak berewok sebelah gue... jadi gue pun nge-tweet sepanjang jalan sampe gue menyadari kalo ternyata GUE SALAH NAEK PATAS!
yeah right!!
seharusnya gue naik yang arah cikokol supaya gue bisa turun di pinggir jembatan exit tol, tapi ini gue malah naik yang jurusan cimone dan alhasil gue pun turun di karawaci. yaaa... masih deket sih, tapi tetep aja berasa bego gue.
setelah sekitar 5 menitan jalan kaki sambil menimbang gue mau naik apa ke rumah, gue pun memutuskan untuk naek ojek ke Summarecon mall serpong dan MINTA BOKAP JEMPUT!
hhahahahahahhaa....
naek patas ac yang seharusnya menjadi lebih murah ketimbang naik trans bsd malah berubah jadi lebih mahal karena kegilaan gue...
hahahahahaa...
sungguh sedap sekali cingsss!!!!!

tapi kalo boleh meng-compare dua kendaraan ini, gue tetep memilih trans bsd meski dateng nya cuma sejam sekali dan sering telat bikin gue nunggu sampe berasa pengen ngedorong orang ke jalanan, naek trans bsd tetep lebih enak. lebih dingin, ngga bau ketek, dan jelas bisa tidur banget kalo lagi ngantuk tak tertahankan.
jadi kesimpulannya, ngga lagi lah gue kecentilan sok naek patas- patas segala... hahahahaa....

well, sudahlah..gue masih harus belajar ekonomi buat ujian besok. meski nampaknya sih gue akan tidur aja sebentar lagi dan belajar besok aja kalo inget....
so, later on guys...
cups!

my hand sketches #4

2009-10-29T01:57:00.000-07:00

my hand sketches #3

2009-10-23T07:04:00.000-07:00

another handskentches of mine...

i made those two during my religion class

and this one while i'm on the way home in Trans BSD...

kangen = anyeng-anyengan

2009-10-18T09:09:00.000-07:00

buat saya,
kangen itu kayak nahan pipis kelama-an sampai anyeng- anyeng an.

ada yang ngga tau anyeng- anyeng an? itu loh perasaan yang kayak pengen pipis terus- terus an disertai sakit perut dan rasa tak nyaman gara- gara nahan pipis kelama-an.
nah itu namanya anyeng- anyeng an.

dan menurut gue, yang namanya rindu, kangen, itu sama kayak anyeng- anyeng an.
kenapa?
soalnya kangen sama anyeng- anyen an sama- sama bikin sakit dan ngga enak kalo ditahan, tapi bikin pengen terus kalo udah dilepas.

maksudnya gini,
kalo kita nahan pipis kelama-an sampe anyeng-anyengan makin kita tahan makin bikin sakit perut, makin bikin bete, bikin diri jadi grumpy, cranky, not in the good mood deh. tapi giliran udah pipis, lega sih, tapi kita jadi pengen pipis terus gara- gara anyeng- anyengan tadi. bolak- balik WC gara- gara berasanya pengen pipis terus..
nahan kangen juga gitu. makin lama ditahan makin bikin bete, bikin sakit, makin bikin mood jadi jelek, bikin jadi grumpy, cranky. dan pas giliran udah ketemu, lega sih, tapi ya bikin pengen ketemu terus, bikin nagih pengen terus- terus an ketemu.

jadi menurut gue kangen itu sama kayak anyeng- anyengan.
hahahaa...

*yatuhan sumpah posting gue kali ini ngga penting abis!*

the only one brother i have..

2009-10-18T07:05:00.000-07:00

dulu entah berapa belas tahun yang lalu, dia pernah berkata, "dunia bakal kebalik ma kalo aldi sama gina bisa akur".
dan dulu entah berapa belas tahun yang lalu, saya akan menjambak atau memukul nya kencang setiap berada dalam satu ruangan dengan nya.

sekarang, dia tetap jadi pain in the ass bagi saya dan saya akan selalu jadi pain in the ass bagi dia.
tapi setidaknya sudah tidak lagi dihiasi adegan jambak dan pukul- pukulan.
sekarang, kami bukan lagi akur, malah yang terdekat dalam rumah.

dulu, saya alergi seruangan dengan dia,
sekarang tiap pulang kerja dia masuk ke kamar saya cuma untuk bilang "woi nyet!" dan diiringi adegan copot kaos kaki.

dulu jangan pernah harap melihat saya dan dia duduk berdua-an berbincang tanpa ada pertengkaran,
tapi sekarang, disaat mata sembab habis menangis, saya cuma bisa ganggu dia tidur dan duduk di pinggir ranjang sambil bilang "quality time together", atau memang sengaja pengen ganggu dia dan ngepo masuk kamar dia sambil bilang "quality time together kali!",
dan dia yang emang dengan sialan nya masuk kamar saya di minggu pagi, nyempit- nyempit in ranjang saya yang emang udah sempit dengan meniduri nya sambil berkata santai "quality time de!".

dulu saya seolah benci sama dia ntah karena alasan apa, mungkin karena merasa dia lebih disayangi oleh seluruh orang rumah,
sekarang saya masih sering benci dia, tapi setidaknya sekarang saya tau mengapa saya benci dia.
karena dia, saya seolah hidup hanya jadi bayang- bayang dia. saya benci dia karena itu,
tapi sekaligus sayang dia karena bikin saya jadi saya yang sekarang, yang berusaha mati- matian untuk keluar dari bayang- bayang itu.

dia yang bisa jadi jawaban banyak pertanyaan yang diberikan ke saya.
siapa orang yang paling kamu benci, siapa orang yang paling kamu sayang, siapa orang yang menjadi influence terbesar kamu, siapa orang yang paling pengen kamu "kick in his nuts", siapa orang yang membuat kamu jadi seperti sekarang.

dia si "discussion junkie" yang selalu saja menjadikan semua hal sebagai topik diskusi, topik perdebatan, adu argumentasi.
dia si "quiz master" yang suka banget memberikan pertanyaan- pertanyaan sulit ke saya soal geografi dan sejarah padahal dia tau saya tolol banget geografi dan sejarah. atau trivia quiz soal film. atau sekedar tebak judul lagu.
dia yang saya tau akan selalu marah- marah caci maki tiap saya minta anterin ato minta jemput, but he'll pick me up anyway.
dia yang jerit- jerit nyuruh saya jangan manja, dan heboh nyindir saya waktu tau saya bisa naek kopaja sendirian.

dia yang saya pengen tendang kenceng- kenceng, tapi tetep jadi orang yang paling saya denger pendapatnya.
dia yang saya benci sampe ke ubun- ubun, tapi kadang juga bikin kagum (ya tuhan, sumpah demi apapun juga saya ngga mau dia tau kalo saya kagum saya dia ato dia akan injak- saya!).
dia yang saya sebel banget kalo udah mulai ngautis sama mainan- mainannya semacam FM dan WE, juga kartun- kartun masa lampau nya.
dia yang ternyata mirip sekali sama si mantan (atau si mantan yang tingkah dan kesukaannya mirip dia), dan bikin dia heboh nge-ceng-in saya brother complex dan sebenernya sangat kagum sama dia sampe cari cowo mirip dia (yang sumpah mati, ngga gitu banget deh!!!!).
dia yang minta saya gebok kalo udah ngorok kenceng saat kami diharuskan tidur sekamar.

dia si kakak yang dulu cuma sejangkauan kaki buat digangguin atau buat spend quality time together,
tapi sekarang ada di negri seberang buat kerja.

satu- satu nya abang yang saya punya,
satu- satu nya abang yang ngomong "taik lo de" atau "ah pecun!" ke saya sebagai kalimat sayang, tanda sayang.

satu- satu nya abang yang saya punya.
yang kalo boleh milih, sebenernya ngga mau saya ganti sama siapa- siapa kecuali jhonny depp atau jonathan rhys meyer, atau tim burton, atau chuck bass (loh?jadi banyak?).
yang kalo boleh dituker pun, ngga mau saya tuker kecuali sama jin botol yang bisa ngabulin permintaan.

dia, si renaldi tjahaya,
satu- satu nya abang yang saya punya,
yang meski suka bikin sebal, yang meski tingkat ke-taik-an nya akut luar biasa, yang meski tingkat ke-brengsek-annya poll abis, ngga bakal saya tuker atau ganti apalagi saya harap untuk ngga ada.
satu- satu nya abang yang saya punya,
yang kalo ngga ada sepi juga rasa nya...

p.s : sumpah nyet kangen juga gue sama lu! dan tolong ya jangan seneng lo gue tulis begini!

random

2009-10-17T03:24:00.000-07:00

hari ini gue HARUS update blog ujar gue pada diri gue sendiri hari ini.
kenapa?
karena gue udah ngga menulis hampir 3 minggu... can you imagine? 3 minggu gue ga nulis, gue seolah berasa ini bukan diri gue...
ya memang sih belakangan gue seolah bukan diri gue sendiri...seperti ada yang salah dengan diri gue.hahah...
bayangkan ya...tolong bayangkan...
gue, seorang gue yang notabene-nya adalah seorang anak super pemalas ini bisa- bisa nya aja jam 7 sore udah menyelesaikan tugas- tugas kuliah gue.
man! gue gitu yang biasanya baru mulai kerjain jam 10 malem dan ngga selesai- selesai, lalu akan ngebut asal- asalan begitu udah mulai jam 1 pagi soalnya mau lanjut online atau nonton. bisa- bisa nya jam 7 sore udah nyelese'in semua tugas- tugas kuliah gue...
dan gue, yang biasanya paling demen telat, selalu sengaja bikin diri sendiri telat se telat mungkin masuk kuliah saking males nya ikut pelajaran, gue yang biasanya selalu baru nyampe kampus jam 9an padahal masuk jam setengah 9, bisa- bisa nya jam 8 pagi udah nyampe kampus tercinta! sama sekali ngga telat! super gila!!
dan ini yang sungguh luar biasa! gue si kalong yang ngga pernah berasa ngantuk dan ngga pernah berasa rela tidur sebelom jam 12 malem ini bisa- bisa nya PENGEN TIDUR jam 9 malem! yes sodara- sodari, jam 9 malem, dimana jam masih sangatlah muda, gue udah pengen tidur....
dan yang jadi topik adalah ini si gue... gue yang ngga pernah bikin tugas, gue yang selalu telat, dan gue yang insomnic musiman bisa- bisa nya nyelese'in tugas jam 7 sore, nyampe kampus jam 8 pagi, dan tidur jam 9 malem... super weird!
i think i'm sick...
very sick...
dan gue somehow meyakini kalo gue bukan diri gue sendiri belakangan ini.
dan gue sudah mulai butuh pain killer untuk mengembalikan diri gue semula, untuk mengembalikan kewarasan gue....
gue butuh nonton sendirian, gue butuh rejects, dan gue butuh MENULIS!
and here i am... menulis lagi di blog ini...
SELAMAT DATANG dan terjebak disini kalian semua yang membaca! hahahaa....

okay, sebenernya sih gue ngga mau ngomongin jadwal harian gue yang amburadul, gue mau ngomongin soal .... *blank*
gue ngga tau mau ngomongin apaan....
yang jelas saya rindu menulis dan butuh menulis...

ughh.....mungkin ini dulu sebagai pembuka kembalinya si gue!

Loss by Sheila Liliana

2009-10-08T07:40:00.000-07:00

its not the loss that we cant handle
its the ability to know that something has vanished from our lives
the inability to know whether it is replaceable or not
its the fear to actually figure out if everythings gonna be the same or not
fear to realise that something is worth more than we thought
its where people telling us to carry on
we want to
we wish we could
we cant, however
its when we hate ourselves for pouring tears out
we hate that we are fragile
the water trumps the stone, eh?
its how hard we strive to pull ourselves back togetha
its how we hope something will fix itself up
how we pretend to believe that time does heal
its when we find out time wont do such thing
when we can think yet cant think at the same time
its when we cant find words to describe it anymore
these are the things that we cant handle
these typical things
its not the loss

-originally created by : Sheila Liliana-

pas gue baca, gue cuma bisa bilang those typical things she wrote are so damn true till it almost annoy me. this is so damn annoyingly true. damn!

Post di tengah kuliah agama

2009-10-01T20:23:00.001-07:00

Sejujurnya, gue ga pernah paham sama orang- orang yang anggep agama itu segalanya. Orang- orang yang anggep pindah agama itu dosa.
Karena menurut gue, agama itu hanyalah transportasi kita menuju Tuhan yang satu. Lalu apa salahnya berganti transportasi meski tujuannya toh tetap menuju Tuhan yang satu?
Misalkan untuk pulang kerumah,kita bisa pakai ojek dan angkot.biasanya kita naek angkot,tp satu kali kita ingin naik ojek. Bukan berarti kita tidak setia pada si angkot kan? Karena toh akhirnya tujuannya tetap sama.
Dan menurut gue,orang-orang yang mengagung kan agama inilah yang punya dosa. Karena it sama aja menomor dua-kan Tuhan. Karena mereka lupa, harusnya mereka meletakkan kesetiaan mereka pada Tuhan, sang tujuan akhir. Bukan agama yang hanya sebuah transportasi.

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nothing but stupid #3

2009-09-30T05:31:00.000-07:00

disatu malam terjadilah perbincangan absurd di MSN ...

Toni says:
ting tong!!
rei says:
siapa yaa?
Toni says:
hmm..
siapa ya??
kasih tau ga yaa??
rei says:
ah yaudah klo ngga mau kasih tau..ga dibukain pintu
Toni says:
ahhh..kamu jahat nihhh
tebak donk
rei says:
ummm..tebak ga yaaaaa???
Toni says:
tebakk donkkk
rei says:
kalo aku tebak emang kamu mau kasi apaaa?
Toni says:
hemmm
apa yaa???
tebak dulu donk
ntar baru aku kasih tau
rei says:
ah nanti kamu bohongin aku
kasi tau duluu kasi aku apaaa
ah lama kamu.te tot!! *pergi meninggalkan pintu*
Toni says:
*brengsek juga nih cewe, udah baek" gue ngomongnya, malah diginiin*
*coba lagi ahh*
ting tong!!
rei says:
siapa yaaaa?
Toni says:
ini akuu yang tadii
rei says:
kamu siapa sih *dengan nada centil minta digoda* ?
Toni says:
*dengan suara ngebass yang siap menggoda*
hmm..ini akuu yang tadi
kamu masa gitu aja ngambek
aku tau kamu pasti becanda kan cantik?
rei says:
*cepet2 bukain pintu soalnya dibilang cantik*
Toni says:
*dan ternyata....*
*si cowo pun gubrak seketika*
rei says:
AND...... CUT!

catatan :
kami bukan gila... sungguh... kami hanya dua anak dengan imajinasi ketinggian yang cenderung membuat otak jadi kurang bekerja sebagaimana mestinya... hanya itu kok...!